LOL

Other things LOL could stand for. There's lots of them!

1. Left Over Lasagna
2. Land O Lakes
3. Little Old Lady
4. League Of Lawyers
5. Lawnmowers Of Louisiana
6. List Of Laundry
7. Leaning On Lampposts
8. Looking Over Lists
9. Lots Of Lettuce
10. Lessons Of Life

So next time someone includes "LOL" in a text or email, ask them if they are in a League of Lawyers and see what their reaction is.

Lost in Translation

For people who are learning the English language, TV can be a good source of English being used in everyday situations. Programming like sit-coms and documentaries can often help non-English speakers learn. However, non-English speakers should not try to learn English by listening to the announcers on almost any major sporting event. For some reason, sports announcers use an almost incoherent mish-mash of seemingly random words to describe the events taking place on the field, court, and/or rink. Sometimes they make up words on the spot in their efforts to describe the action. The following are particularly confusing sports terms/phrases:

Sports Speak: "He's money in the clutch."
Literal Translation: "He is exchangeable currency in the gear shifting mechanism."
Actual Meaning: "He performs well under pressure."

Sports Speak: "He's dropping bombs from downtown."
Literal Translation: "He is dropping explosive devices from the middle of the city."
Actual Meaning: "He is making lots of long range shots."

Sports Speak: "He just got posterized!"
Literal Translation: "Someone made a poster out of him."
Actual Meaning: "Someone just accomplished such an amazing feat of skill and athleticism that it could be made into a poster. The poster, while highlighting the great play on the part of the offensive player, would in an equal fashion, embarrass or cause shame to the player who was outplayed. Hence, getting 'posterized', is not a good thing. However, for the one doing the 'posterizing', it is a very good thing.

Another Problem with Math

Another problem I have with math (pun very much intended) is when there start to be more letters involved than numbers. This usually happens somewhere around high school. They'll write out some big long thing on the board, consisting mostly of the letters a, b, x, and y, and tell you to solve it, knowing full well you just came back from lunch and are almost comatose because the room is so warm and your stomach is full.

And if you ever try to reason with your math teacher and say, "When am I ever going to need this in my real life? Nobody ever uses this type of stuff," your teacher will say something like "I use it everyday." Well of course they use it everyday! They have to teach it everyday! And that big long mess of alphabet soup on the board? The answer is always zero. That bugs me. I mean, where else can you do all that work, have nothing to show for it, and then be praised for your production of zero-ness?

Hank Maximum: The Underground Staircase

Hank hesitated for a moment. This could be a trap, he thought. But then again, my mission details did send me here. Hank stepped into the tool shed and found a spiral staircase leading underground. Hank quickly descended the stairs and soon found himself in what appeared to be a scientific research center, full of people and monitors.

"Mr. Maximum," MacCorkill said, gesturing at the banks of computers and machinery. "Welcome to my office."

"What is it that you do?" Hank asked, still favoring his dog bitten arm.

MacCorkill motioned to Hank and someone brought over a first aid kit and began to work on Hank's arm. "This is where we observe any activity our scopes pick up," he said. "From here, we can detect the smallest movement or sound or change in thermal density."

"What are you observing?" Hank asked as a bandage was applied to his arm. "What are you trying to detect?"

"Do you know the Scottish word for 'lake' Mr. Maximum?" MacCorkill asked.

"It's 'loch' I believe," Hank replied, still a bit puzzled. "You're observing a lake? I didn't see any lakes around here."

"This is a remote listening station," MacCorkill replied. "The loch we're observing is kilometers away in the Highlands."

Hank froze. The dog attack had frazzled his mind, but all the pieces were starting to fall into place. Scotland, lake, observation post, the Highlands. "No..." Hank whispered to himself. He looked up to see MacCorkill staring at him. It was obvious that MacCorkill realized that Hank had figured it out.

"Yes Mr. Maximum," he said. "We have several underwater detection devices in Loch Ness. And now that I have recently purchased a new experimental microchip from an associate of mine in Prague, I anticipate that success will soon be within my grasp."

Hank's mind was reeling. MacCorkill was the one on the tape! Hank thought. He bought the microchip from Stavich and now he's using it in Loch Ness to try to find the Loch Ness monster! All of a sudden Hank remembered his dream in which the mysterious man in black had said, "Don't let them find it!" Hank tried to stand, but found his vision was blurring and his legs felt numb. The first aid! Hank realized that the person giving him first aid had applied a drug patch to his arm. As Hank crashed to the floor, MacCorkill stood over him and said, "I will find the Loch Ness monster and I will finally be able to..."

1. Clone its cells for their healing powers
2. Add its head to my collection of rare animals
3. Rid the world of a monster

A Dream of Ninjas

I dreamed a dream of ninjas, of throwing stars and swords

There were so many ninjas that they could be called a horde

They were sneaking in the shadows, they were lurking in the dark

They were waiting for the moment when they could kill their mark

Their swords were sharp as razor blades and their minds were sharper still

For a ninja is a person who is trained from birth to kill

But then the dream got really weird and the ninjas began to sing

In perfect 4 part harmony, songs from “The Lion King”

Then all of a sudden I was at the dentist and my teeth were being cleaned

And I didn’t have dental insurance so I had to pay them with sardines

But when I walked out of the dentist, I realized I was at the zoo

I was sitting in the front row watching a performing kangaroo

And then a ninja jumped out of the kangaroo’s pouch and we began to fight!

He punched at me and I kicked at him and I fought with all my might!

And then I woke up sweating all tangled in the covers

I had one of my pillows in a head lock and had ripped apart the other

I dreamed a dream of ninjas and my linens paid the price

I wonder why our minds freak out when we go to sleep at night?

Curiosity Killed the Cat

They say that curiosity killed the cat. And it’s true. Curiosity has killed many a cat. But what most people don’t know is that below the surface of this seemingly common place phrase, there is a vast conspiracy.

It is no secret that cats and dogs are mortal enemies. No one can remember which side started the feud, but both sides remain firmly entrenched in their war. The cats enjoyed a great deal of success in the ancient world, having convinced many cultures (most notably the Egyptians) that they were divine creatures. As time passed, cats and dogs fought each other almost to a standstill in many rural areas. The dogs claimed victory on many farms for their assistance with herding sheep. However, many cats will claim that if they had not kept the houses and barns free of mice, most farms would have been overrun by rodents.

The dogs began to gain ground, however, as the world began to undergo the Industrial Revolution. But it wasn’t until the last year of the Second World War that the dogs set their most successful campaign against the cats into motion.

As the eyes of the world were focused on the War, the dogs capitalized on that distraction. Several special ops canine units infiltrated the top secret military research facilities of the world. The dogs were looking specifically for experimental research and in Norway they found what would become their greatest weapon against the cats: a mind control drug.

The dogs destroyed all records of the drug and took the formula. They then began to modify the mind control drug to induce curiosity. Once the dogs had fully perfected their curiosity drug, they began to secretly sneak it into all of the major brands of cat food on the market. So, for decades now, dogs everywhere have just let the human world believe that curiosity killed the cat.

Fun with Sports Cards

Recently I was about to throw away a box of worthless old sports cards when I realized that while my cards held no monetary value, many of them provided a source of hilarity that can only come from high school jocks turned pro.

The Mullet
While most of us remember the Mullet as a feature of the 1980's, my old sports cards collection has proven that the Mullet was still a die hard staple of Major League Baseball hairdo's well into the 1990's.



















Nothing says, "I'm going to strike you out!" like a blonde hair tail flapping in the breeze.

















I don't know what disturbs me more: the huge mullet creeping down Mitch's neck or the creepy shadow serial killer looking guy standing just behind him. Let's hope that the serial killer is one of Mitch's parents or teachers because then maybe they won't kill him.