Chips

Has anybody else noticed how out of hand chip flavors have gotten recently? There are more options for chip flavors than there are for…well, something that there’s a bunch of options for. Remember when there used to be just a hand full of flavors? You had Original/Plain, Bar-B-Q, Sour Cream and Onion, Nacho Cheese, and Ranch and that was pretty much it.

Now, every brand has to have 37 different flavor variants of their chips. You still got your old reliable flavors, but you’ve also got all the new kids on the block flavors. And the new flavors aren’t just called what they taste like. No, they’ve all got to have some fancy catchy trademarked name too.

And then there’s the trend of trying to make the chips taste like actual prepared foods rather than just seasoned chips. Things like Loaded Backed Potato and Cheese Burger flavored chips. In my opinion, these flavors are an abomination and should be blotted out from the face of the earth. Also, I don’t think they taste very good either.

I’ve also noticed that some companies that didn’t used to be in the chips game are starting to try and break into it. Lays, Ruffles, Frito-Lay, Pringles, and generic brands are being moved in on by companies like Ritz and Cheese Itz. Pretty soon, I bet you’ll be able to find Michelin tire brand chips on the shelves.

You would think that all the variety we’ve already mentioned would be the end of it, but you’d be wrong. You also have to consider all the different ways of cooking the chips. You’ve got regular style, kettle cooked, baked and probably more techniques that I can’t even think of. Plus, you’ve got the fat free option, lite option, and regular tons-o-fat option.

So let’s do the actual math on this using this totally legitimate equation: B(FxMxFC) = LCO In this equation, B = Brand, F = Flavor, M = Method of Cooking, FC = Fat Content, and LCO = Level of Choice Overload.

These days, I wouldn’t be surprised to find any of the following at the grocery store:

Spicy Mouth Kickin’ Ranch-B-Q Pringles®

Smooth Cheddar Chili Bacon Explosion Doritos®

Lays® Honey Smoked Ham with Mama’s Gravy Kettle Cooked Chips

Ruffles® Short Stack Pancake Batter Natural Cut Chips

Deep Fried Cajun Coconut Shrimp Fritos®

Ritz® Fat Free Home Style Ribs Chips

Ruffles® Velveeta® Jalapeño Lip Smackers

Nintendo® Xtreme Crunch Fried Chicken Stackerz Kettle Cooked Chips- for use with Wii Crunch Lunch game

Say What?

I would like to thank my buddy, the King of Nicknames, for his suggestion for this post. I won't say his real name, but if any of you know Skeet, Skeeter P, Hoops, the One Under Wonder, the Crazy Train, or D, you know who to thank for this post.

I like to think that I have a pretty good grasp of the English language. And part of that grasp includes being up on the latest and greatest in hip phrases and buzz words. However, one new word has me stumped. That word is "redonckulous" (pronounced re-DONCK-u-lous). I had to do some research to find out more about this word.

From English class at A. C. Reyonlds High School, I know that the "re-" prefix means to do something again (as in rerun). So, we can infer that "redonckulous" means that something is "donckulous" for at least the 2nd time. This begs the question, "How does one donckulous in the first place?" I'm glad you asked.

Donckulous is derived from it's root word "donck", an Irish word meaning "to express". Over the years, mostly due to the constant changing in the British Isles, the word came to mean "to express one's admiration." Therefore, if one were to repeatedly express how great they thought something was they would be re-doncking.

It wasn't until the Industrial Revolution brought thousands of rural farmers into the cities that the word was merged with the word "fabulous" and the term "redonckulous" was born. Thaddeus Morganroth, who most historians consider the father of the modern sweat shop, made the term famous when he told Queen Mary the 45th or something, "Your Majesty, I feel that you will find the stitch work on my new line of petticoats most redonckulous."

Kid Gloves

Now that I have a kid, I find myself thinking along the lines of kid type stuff. Diapers, burping, etc. One of the things that struck me recently was the expression "take off the kid gloves".

This phrase is very disturbing to me. Mostly the part about "kid gloves". To me, this can only have a certain number of possible meanings, none of which are good.

Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of children
Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of baby goats
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch children
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch baby goats

I suppose "kid gloves" could also mean to jokingly tease a pair of gloves, but frankly, that's just too far fetched to even consider. So, before you use the expression "take off the kid gloves", take a minute to consider that the phrase has extremely barbaric origins and should not be used lightly.

Personally, the least disturbing meaning is a pair of gloves specifically used to punch baby goats. But as to why anyone would have enough cause to punch baby goats so much that they would create gloves specifically for that purpose is beyond me.

Extra Extra

You know how newspaper headlines have the big headline and then a smaller follow up headline right underneath it? Well, if more headlines read like these, I think newspapers would make a comeback.

Pope Speaks on Chicken Soup Fiasco
Police Say He Should Mind His Own Business

Autograph Seeker Gets More Than She Bargained For
Midnight Marshmallow Fight To Blame

Three Fingered Man Can’t Give Thumbs Up To Mayor
Wall Street Experts Predict Sticky Situation

Fisherman Refuses To Back Down
Mother-In-Law Has Her Own Opinion

Grateful Retailer Slashes Prices For Local Dentist
State Fair to Hold Psychic Pig Beauty Contest

Why So Glum?

Ivan's Impression

I hang out with these dudes. They're all from the former Soviet Union. They defected to the US during the Cold War but now they're just doing normal stuff: x-ray tech, contractor, regional car wash chain owner, you know, normal stuff.

But when we all hang out, they are just crazy. They get to talking about the old times and before you know it, Ivan is doing his Katie Couric impression.

He's all, "I'm Katie Couric! I report the news! I'm a lady!"

It's great. You should really hear him do it though cause it's better than me just telling you about it.

We Have Our Blogfan Challenge Winner!

Congratulations to Kelly H. from North Carolina!

She figured out the clues and won a year's subscription of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

For those of you who are curious, the clues led to another blog at fatclowns.blogspot.com.

When highlighted and deciphered, the answer to the last clue was of "traffic lights."

So congratulations again to Kelly! And for those of you who were only visiting the blogs for a chance at the prize, I'm sorry that you'll have to settle for just regular blog posts now.

Again, sorry that I haven't been blogging lately, but my first little baby girl was born this past Monday, 10/19, at 1:25 in the afternoon, so I've been a bit busy.