Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Gods of the Office

If I wasn't a Christian, I'd think that the gods of office productivity were fighting over my sanity. Thandar (head god of efficiency), Glenna (goddess in charge of "sense of accomplishment"), and Rendalus (god in charge of work ethic) would all say, "Let us give him a fair task, one that will occupy his mind at a reasonable level while still allowing him the pleasure of using headphones. Let us also bless him with some magical tools to aid his efforts. He shall wield the mighty Auto-Hot Key with great zeal. He shall be well versed in the use of many programs and softwares. And let us give him a righteous cube in which to toil."


Grogus (evil god of monotony), Slynos (trickster god of error messages), and Venomica (goddess of idiotic coworkers) have also laid claim to my plight. They have said, "While we dare not directly oppose the other gods and revoke his magical tools, let us also give him repetitive work so that he is barely capable of sanity. Let his groove be thrown off by random and unintelligible error messages right when things are flowing smoothly. And let those around him be struck dumb so that the workings of their minds produce lunacy and drivel."

Monday, December 7, 2009

Off Color

Have you ever heard of something being “off color”? What color is “off color” exactly? Because even if a color is slightly off from another color, it’s still a color. I imagine this phrase came into being in the pre-Crayola 64 pack era because now, every color is a color. And sometimes one color can be several colors. Let me explain.

You used to have normal colors: red, green, blue, yellow, etc. Then came the Crayola 64 pack (with built-in crayon sharpener in the back of the box). The C64P (as it’s known in crayon connoisseur circles) changed everything you thought you knew about colors with names like Umber Tan and Burnt Sienna. So what used to be “off color” because it was not quite brown but not quite red now became something else.

Historians agree that the advent of the C64P was the immediate precursor to the modern “color crisis” that we are still suffering from today. Color names no longer have any meaning as the slightest amount of “off color” content is now given a name and called a different color.

This brings me back to my point about every color being a color. Take two thirds green, one twelfth orange, ninety nine six hundred fifty sevenths brown, and one half blue and what does that give you? Whatever you want! Just make something up and now you have a new color! The problem with this (especially for married men whose wives are wanting to paint or repaint a room of the house) is that they are forced to look at and attempt to decide between 47 different “shades of white”. But whether she ends up picking Egg Shell, Snow Flake, Bunny Tail, Cotton Ball, Cloud Shapes, or NHL Player, it’s all still just white!

So, here are some color names for you to think about and try and decide what sort of “off color” they are:






And my personal favorite…


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Stop the Presses!

Here's another round of crazy headlines.

Judge Rules High Calorie Breakfast “Free And Clear”

Lizard DNA A Non-Issue

Man Accuses ATM Of Professional Misconduct
City Council Woman Can’t Find Car Keys

New Light On Left Handedness Makes Strange Bedfellows
Paper Cut Victim “It Was A Blessing In Disguise”

Canned Vegetables Play Role In Love Triangle

Smoker Says “I Saw Him Outside The Bank”

Library Books The New Weapon Of Choice For Gangland Violence

Hair Care Scare! Salons See Dramatic Spike In Extension Prices

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Day in the Life of An Infant

Uh oh! My less-than-a-month old daughter signed into my blog and wrote a post! And for some reason, she has a very good vocabulary...

This morning I awoke in a vibrating hammock type chair next to a giant bed and unfortunately found that I had defecated in my undergarment during my sleep. To remedy this situation, I just started shouting to no one in particular, "HEY!!!!!! HEY!!!!!! DOWN HERE!!!! YEAH, I AM SITTING IN MY OWN FECAL MATTER SO I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY TO FIX IT!!!! AND I MEAN NOW!!!!"

This approach worked, as a giant person reached down from the giant bed and plucked me from my chair. At first I was pleased, but then when the giant began to remove my soiled undergarment, I suddenly became very displeased (although I'm not entirely sure why). So, based on my previous successful communication, I said, "I DON'T LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!! I REALLY MEAN IT!!! THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS LESS THAN FUN AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CEASE THIS INSTANT!!!!"

My communication did not work this time as the giant proceeded to clean me in the most degrading way, but at least provided me with a clean undergarment. Then after that, a rubbery object was unceremoniously shoved into my mouth. I would have objected to this as well if I had not immediately found it terribly enjoyable to suck upon.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Theo the Phrase/Wink Man

Have you ever known someone who uses strange phrases to refer to something and you don't know what they're talking about? Well that's Theo. Theo is that guy who uses a phrase and then gives you the "you know what I'm talking about" wink. This is how Theo behaves in various situations.

Scenario 1: At a wedding reception, he's the best man, friends of the bride/groom keep coming up and talking to him
-Guest: Hey Theo! How was the food at the rehearsal dinner?
-Theo: It was great! I was up all night "breaking the jungle" ***wink***
-Guest: looks unsure of what to say Ok, well, that's good...I guess.
Scenario 2: At his car mechanic
-Mechanic: So, what's wrong with your car?
-Theo: Well, it sound like its "been around a nickel farm one to many times" ***wink***
-Mechanic: confused What?
-Theo: You know, the engine, it sounds "all trinkled out" ***wink***
-Mechanic: Um...ok, well, let me take a look at it.
Scenario 3: At the library, complaining to the librarian
-Theo: Miss? There's a man over in non-fiction being all "sticky no no" ***wink***
-Lady: I'm sorry...what?
-Theo: There's a man, over in the non-fiction section, and he keeps "sniffing the rabbit" ***wink***
-Lady: just stares at him

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pick a New Holiday!

Ok everybody, if you could choose one of these new holidays, which one would it be?

1. Enviro Day- Al Gore finally convinces the federal government into giving everyone a day off with pay so that "every person in the country can take a day to clean up their personal environment". The concept is that if everyone cleans their own space, then we can have a huge impact on the "carbon footprint" of the country. The irony is that since Enviro Day is the 1st Friday of every June, most people take the long weekend and either travel, or barbecue, or throw a party and not plant a tree or pick up litter or any of the other stuff the day is designed for and in fact will create more trash and pollution than if the day didn't exist at all.

2. Force Day- After enough people write in "Other: Jedi "as their official religion on the most recent national census, the government makes July 30th Force Day. Everyone gets the day off with pay and wears traditional Jedi/Sith robes (the makers of the Snuggie get involved and make a super comfortable Jedi blanket/robe) and talk like Yoda and watch Star Wars.

3. Recovery Day- American companies, realizing that efficiency and attendance are way, way down the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday, lobby the government just to make it a national holiday for tax reasons. Everyone gets that Monday off with pay to recover from their big party the night before. And if you live in the city of the winning team you get an extra paid day off (whether you follow football or not). Also, if you can get notarized proof that you have been a fan of the winning team for at least 5 years, but just don't live in that city, you can also get a 2nd paid day off.

4. Samtsirhc- This is reverse Christmas. It happens when Christmas is exactly 6 months away and everything is 100% opposite from Christmas. Instead of bringing a tree into your house, you take a piece of furniture out on your lawn, but don't decorate it. You have to be mean to others if you want any gifts. And you don't buy presents for other people, you buy them for yourself. The folk lore is that a very skinny beardless black woman, wearing an all blue jumpsuit, pulls a sleigh full of reindeer around the world, but not through the air, she pulls the sleigh underwater. Then she comes up through your drains and takes junk you leave by your bathtub away with her. Everyone gets the day off with pay. You are not allowed to go to any family member's house.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Deal or No Deal is Stupid (There, I Said It)

Has anybody noticed that you must be a lunatic to appear on modern TV game shows? TV game show contestants used to need skill or smarts or even just plain dumb luck to win cash and prizes, but that's not enough anymore. Now you have to be an over the top, crazy eyed, mega vocal, nervous tick having, catch phrase slingin', fist pumpin', ridiculous outfit wearin' idiot if you want a chance to be a TV game show contestant. And if you're a female contestant, it is a prerequisite to scream like you've been stuck with a cattle prod.

Shows like Deal or No Deal and others like it (but mostly Deal or No Deal, I hate that show) have made insanity the norm and in so doing have alienated the average home viewer who is not a certifiable mad man. Here is the average commentary from a Deal or No Deal contestant.

When asked their name: "I'm Trish from Alabama and I'm here to slamma jamma! Whoooooo!"

When asked what they would do with their money: "I'm gonna buy me a house and fill it up with collectible ceramic poodles!

Repeated at least 17 times throughout the show (hands pressed together under her nose, in a nervous whisper): "Gotta slamma jamma Trish! Gotta slamma jamma!"

When asked about their outfit: "This is from my cousin's clothing line, Tren-Day Stylez! It's retro meets modern meets outer space.

I mean honestly, can you see this person on Jeapordy?

Alex Trebek: The clue for Get Red-y for $400 is "In 1987, this fresh breath chewable burst onto the scene". Trish?

Trish: Slamma Jamma!

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry that's not correct.

Trish: Oh, sorry! I mean, What is Slamma Jamma!

Alex Trebek: No, I mean the answer is What is Big Red.