Thursday, November 26, 2009

Stop the Presses!

Here's another round of crazy headlines.

Judge Rules High Calorie Breakfast “Free And Clear”

Lizard DNA A Non-Issue

Man Accuses ATM Of Professional Misconduct
City Council Woman Can’t Find Car Keys

New Light On Left Handedness Makes Strange Bedfellows
Paper Cut Victim “It Was A Blessing In Disguise”

Canned Vegetables Play Role In Love Triangle

Smoker Says “I Saw Him Outside The Bank”

Library Books The New Weapon Of Choice For Gangland Violence

Hair Care Scare! Salons See Dramatic Spike In Extension Prices

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Day in the Life of An Infant

Uh oh! My less-than-a-month old daughter signed into my blog and wrote a post! And for some reason, she has a very good vocabulary...

This morning I awoke in a vibrating hammock type chair next to a giant bed and unfortunately found that I had defecated in my undergarment during my sleep. To remedy this situation, I just started shouting to no one in particular, "HEY!!!!!! HEY!!!!!! DOWN HERE!!!! YEAH, I AM SITTING IN MY OWN FECAL MATTER SO I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY TO FIX IT!!!! AND I MEAN NOW!!!!"

This approach worked, as a giant person reached down from the giant bed and plucked me from my chair. At first I was pleased, but then when the giant began to remove my soiled undergarment, I suddenly became very displeased (although I'm not entirely sure why). So, based on my previous successful communication, I said, "I DON'T LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!! I REALLY MEAN IT!!! THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS LESS THAN FUN AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CEASE THIS INSTANT!!!!"

My communication did not work this time as the giant proceeded to clean me in the most degrading way, but at least provided me with a clean undergarment. Then after that, a rubbery object was unceremoniously shoved into my mouth. I would have objected to this as well if I had not immediately found it terribly enjoyable to suck upon.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Theo the Phrase/Wink Man

Have you ever known someone who uses strange phrases to refer to something and you don't know what they're talking about? Well that's Theo. Theo is that guy who uses a phrase and then gives you the "you know what I'm talking about" wink. This is how Theo behaves in various situations.

Scenario 1: At a wedding reception, he's the best man, friends of the bride/groom keep coming up and talking to him
-Guest: Hey Theo! How was the food at the rehearsal dinner?
-Theo: It was great! I was up all night "breaking the jungle" ***wink***
-Guest: looks unsure of what to say Ok, well, that's good...I guess.
Scenario 2: At his car mechanic
-Mechanic: So, what's wrong with your car?
-Theo: Well, it sound like its "been around a nickel farm one to many times" ***wink***
-Mechanic: confused What?
-Theo: You know, the engine, it sounds "all trinkled out" ***wink***
-Mechanic: Um...ok, well, let me take a look at it.
Scenario 3: At the library, complaining to the librarian
-Theo: Miss? There's a man over in non-fiction being all "sticky no no" ***wink***
-Lady: I'm sorry...what?
-Theo: There's a man, over in the non-fiction section, and he keeps "sniffing the rabbit" ***wink***
-Lady: just stares at him

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pick a New Holiday!

Ok everybody, if you could choose one of these new holidays, which one would it be?

1. Enviro Day- Al Gore finally convinces the federal government into giving everyone a day off with pay so that "every person in the country can take a day to clean up their personal environment". The concept is that if everyone cleans their own space, then we can have a huge impact on the "carbon footprint" of the country. The irony is that since Enviro Day is the 1st Friday of every June, most people take the long weekend and either travel, or barbecue, or throw a party and not plant a tree or pick up litter or any of the other stuff the day is designed for and in fact will create more trash and pollution than if the day didn't exist at all.

2. Force Day- After enough people write in "Other: Jedi "as their official religion on the most recent national census, the government makes July 30th Force Day. Everyone gets the day off with pay and wears traditional Jedi/Sith robes (the makers of the Snuggie get involved and make a super comfortable Jedi blanket/robe) and talk like Yoda and watch Star Wars.

3. Recovery Day- American companies, realizing that efficiency and attendance are way, way down the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday, lobby the government just to make it a national holiday for tax reasons. Everyone gets that Monday off with pay to recover from their big party the night before. And if you live in the city of the winning team you get an extra paid day off (whether you follow football or not). Also, if you can get notarized proof that you have been a fan of the winning team for at least 5 years, but just don't live in that city, you can also get a 2nd paid day off.

4. Samtsirhc- This is reverse Christmas. It happens when Christmas is exactly 6 months away and everything is 100% opposite from Christmas. Instead of bringing a tree into your house, you take a piece of furniture out on your lawn, but don't decorate it. You have to be mean to others if you want any gifts. And you don't buy presents for other people, you buy them for yourself. The folk lore is that a very skinny beardless black woman, wearing an all blue jumpsuit, pulls a sleigh full of reindeer around the world, but not through the air, she pulls the sleigh underwater. Then she comes up through your drains and takes junk you leave by your bathtub away with her. Everyone gets the day off with pay. You are not allowed to go to any family member's house.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Deal or No Deal is Stupid (There, I Said It)

Has anybody noticed that you must be a lunatic to appear on modern TV game shows? TV game show contestants used to need skill or smarts or even just plain dumb luck to win cash and prizes, but that's not enough anymore. Now you have to be an over the top, crazy eyed, mega vocal, nervous tick having, catch phrase slingin', fist pumpin', ridiculous outfit wearin' idiot if you want a chance to be a TV game show contestant. And if you're a female contestant, it is a prerequisite to scream like you've been stuck with a cattle prod.

Shows like Deal or No Deal and others like it (but mostly Deal or No Deal, I hate that show) have made insanity the norm and in so doing have alienated the average home viewer who is not a certifiable mad man. Here is the average commentary from a Deal or No Deal contestant.

When asked their name: "I'm Trish from Alabama and I'm here to slamma jamma! Whoooooo!"

When asked what they would do with their money: "I'm gonna buy me a house and fill it up with collectible ceramic poodles!

Repeated at least 17 times throughout the show (hands pressed together under her nose, in a nervous whisper): "Gotta slamma jamma Trish! Gotta slamma jamma!"

When asked about their outfit: "This is from my cousin's clothing line, Tren-Day Stylez! It's retro meets modern meets outer space.

I mean honestly, can you see this person on Jeapordy?

Alex Trebek: The clue for Get Red-y for $400 is "In 1987, this fresh breath chewable burst onto the scene". Trish?

Trish: Slamma Jamma!

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry that's not correct.

Trish: Oh, sorry! I mean, What is Slamma Jamma!

Alex Trebek: No, I mean the answer is What is Big Red.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Has anybody else noticed how out of hand chip flavors have gotten recently? There are more options for chip flavors than there are for…well, something that there’s a bunch of options for. Remember when there used to be just a hand full of flavors? You had Original/Plain, Bar-B-Q, Sour Cream and Onion, Nacho Cheese, and Ranch and that was pretty much it.

Now, every brand has to have 37 different flavor variants of their chips. You still got your old reliable flavors, but you’ve also got all the new kids on the block flavors. And the new flavors aren’t just called what they taste like. No, they’ve all got to have some fancy catchy trademarked name too.

And then there’s the trend of trying to make the chips taste like actual prepared foods rather than just seasoned chips. Things like Loaded Backed Potato and Cheese Burger flavored chips. In my opinion, these flavors are an abomination and should be blotted out from the face of the earth. Also, I don’t think they taste very good either.

I’ve also noticed that some companies that didn’t used to be in the chips game are starting to try and break into it. Lays, Ruffles, Frito-Lay, Pringles, and generic brands are being moved in on by companies like Ritz and Cheese Itz. Pretty soon, I bet you’ll be able to find Michelin tire brand chips on the shelves.

You would think that all the variety we’ve already mentioned would be the end of it, but you’d be wrong. You also have to consider all the different ways of cooking the chips. You’ve got regular style, kettle cooked, baked and probably more techniques that I can’t even think of. Plus, you’ve got the fat free option, lite option, and regular tons-o-fat option.

So let’s do the actual math on this using this totally legitimate equation: B(FxMxFC) = LCO In this equation, B = Brand, F = Flavor, M = Method of Cooking, FC = Fat Content, and LCO = Level of Choice Overload.

These days, I wouldn’t be surprised to find any of the following at the grocery store:

Spicy Mouth Kickin’ Ranch-B-Q Pringles®

Smooth Cheddar Chili Bacon Explosion Doritos®

Lays® Honey Smoked Ham with Mama’s Gravy Kettle Cooked Chips

Ruffles® Short Stack Pancake Batter Natural Cut Chips

Deep Fried Cajun Coconut Shrimp Fritos®

Ritz® Fat Free Home Style Ribs Chips

Ruffles® Velveeta® JalapeƱo Lip Smackers

Nintendo® Xtreme Crunch Fried Chicken Stackerz Kettle Cooked Chips- for use with Wii Crunch Lunch game

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Say What?

I would like to thank my buddy, the King of Nicknames, for his suggestion for this post. I won't say his real name, but if any of you know Skeet, Skeeter P, Hoops, the One Under Wonder, the Crazy Train, or D, you know who to thank for this post.

I like to think that I have a pretty good grasp of the English language. And part of that grasp includes being up on the latest and greatest in hip phrases and buzz words. However, one new word has me stumped. That word is "redonckulous" (pronounced re-DONCK-u-lous). I had to do some research to find out more about this word.

From English class at A. C. Reyonlds High School, I know that the "re-" prefix means to do something again (as in rerun). So, we can infer that
"redonckulous" means that something is "donckulous" for at least the 2nd time. This begs the question, "How does one donckulous in the first place?" I'm glad you asked.

Donckulous is derived from it's root word "donck", an Irish word meaning "to express". Over the years, mostly due to the constant changing in the British Isles, the word came to mean "to express one's admiration." Therefore, if one were to repeatedly express how great they thought something was they would be re-doncking.

It wasn't until the Industrial Revolution brought thousands of rural farmers into the cities that the word was merged with the word "fabulous" and the term "redonckulous" was born. Thaddeus Morganroth, who most historians consider the father of the modern sweat shop, made the term famous when he told Queen Mary the 45th or something, "Your Majesty, I feel that you will find the stitch work on my new line of petticoats most redonckulous."

Monday, November 2, 2009

Kid Gloves

Now that I have a kid, I find myself thinking along the lines of kid type stuff. Diapers, burping, etc. One of the things that struck me recently was the expression "take off the kid gloves".

This phrase is very disturbing to me. Mostly the part about "kid gloves". To me, this can only have a certain number of possible meanings, none of which are good.

Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of children
Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of baby goats
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch children
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch baby goats

I suppose "kid gloves" could also mean to jokingly tease a pair of gloves, but frankly, that's just too far fetched to even consider. So, before you use the expression "take off the kid gloves", take a minute to consider that the phrase has extremely barbaric origins and should not be used lightly.

Personally, the least disturbing meaning is a pair of gloves specifically used to punch baby goats. But as to why anyone would have enough cause to punch baby goats so much that they would create gloves specifically for that purpose is beyond me.