Monday, December 7, 2009

Off Color

Have you ever heard of something being “off color”? What color is “off color” exactly? Because even if a color is slightly off from another color, it’s still a color. I imagine this phrase came into being in the pre-Crayola 64 pack era because now, every color is a color. And sometimes one color can be several colors. Let me explain.

You used to have normal colors: red, green, blue, yellow, etc. Then came the Crayola 64 pack (with built-in crayon sharpener in the back of the box). The C64P (as it’s known in crayon connoisseur circles) changed everything you thought you knew about colors with names like Umber Tan and Burnt Sienna. So what used to be “off color” because it was not quite brown but not quite red now became something else.

Historians agree that the advent of the C64P was the immediate precursor to the modern “color crisis” that we are still suffering from today. Color names no longer have any meaning as the slightest amount of “off color” content is now given a name and called a different color.

This brings me back to my point about every color being a color. Take two thirds green, one twelfth orange, ninety nine six hundred fifty sevenths brown, and one half blue and what does that give you? Whatever you want! Just make something up and now you have a new color! The problem with this (especially for married men whose wives are wanting to paint or repaint a room of the house) is that they are forced to look at and attempt to decide between 47 different “shades of white”. But whether she ends up picking Egg Shell, Snow Flake, Bunny Tail, Cotton Ball, Cloud Shapes, or NHL Player, it’s all still just white!

So, here are some color names for you to think about and try and decide what sort of “off color” they are:






And my personal favorite…


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Stop the Presses!

Here's another round of crazy headlines.

Judge Rules High Calorie Breakfast “Free And Clear”

Lizard DNA A Non-Issue

Man Accuses ATM Of Professional Misconduct
City Council Woman Can’t Find Car Keys

New Light On Left Handedness Makes Strange Bedfellows
Paper Cut Victim “It Was A Blessing In Disguise”

Canned Vegetables Play Role In Love Triangle

Smoker Says “I Saw Him Outside The Bank”

Library Books The New Weapon Of Choice For Gangland Violence

Hair Care Scare! Salons See Dramatic Spike In Extension Prices

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Day in the Life of An Infant

Uh oh! My less-than-a-month old daughter signed into my blog and wrote a post! And for some reason, she has a very good vocabulary...

This morning I awoke in a vibrating hammock type chair next to a giant bed and unfortunately found that I had defecated in my undergarment during my sleep. To remedy this situation, I just started shouting to no one in particular, "HEY!!!!!! HEY!!!!!! DOWN HERE!!!! YEAH, I AM SITTING IN MY OWN FECAL MATTER SO I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY TO FIX IT!!!! AND I MEAN NOW!!!!"

This approach worked, as a giant person reached down from the giant bed and plucked me from my chair. At first I was pleased, but then when the giant began to remove my soiled undergarment, I suddenly became very displeased (although I'm not entirely sure why). So, based on my previous successful communication, I said, "I DON'T LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!! I REALLY MEAN IT!!! THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS LESS THAN FUN AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CEASE THIS INSTANT!!!!"

My communication did not work this time as the giant proceeded to clean me in the most degrading way, but at least provided me with a clean undergarment. Then after that, a rubbery object was unceremoniously shoved into my mouth. I would have objected to this as well if I had not immediately found it terribly enjoyable to suck upon.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Theo the Phrase/Wink Man

Have you ever known someone who uses strange phrases to refer to something and you don't know what they're talking about? Well that's Theo. Theo is that guy who uses a phrase and then gives you the "you know what I'm talking about" wink. This is how Theo behaves in various situations.

Scenario 1: At a wedding reception, he's the best man, friends of the bride/groom keep coming up and talking to him
-Guest: Hey Theo! How was the food at the rehearsal dinner?
-Theo: It was great! I was up all night "breaking the jungle" ***wink***
-Guest: looks unsure of what to say Ok, well, that's good...I guess.
Scenario 2: At his car mechanic
-Mechanic: So, what's wrong with your car?
-Theo: Well, it sound like its "been around a nickel farm one to many times" ***wink***
-Mechanic: confused What?
-Theo: You know, the engine, it sounds "all trinkled out" ***wink***
-Mechanic: Um...ok, well, let me take a look at it.
Scenario 3: At the library, complaining to the librarian
-Theo: Miss? There's a man over in non-fiction being all "sticky no no" ***wink***
-Lady: I'm sorry...what?
-Theo: There's a man, over in the non-fiction section, and he keeps "sniffing the rabbit" ***wink***
-Lady: just stares at him

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pick a New Holiday!

Ok everybody, if you could choose one of these new holidays, which one would it be?

1. Enviro Day- Al Gore finally convinces the federal government into giving everyone a day off with pay so that "every person in the country can take a day to clean up their personal environment". The concept is that if everyone cleans their own space, then we can have a huge impact on the "carbon footprint" of the country. The irony is that since Enviro Day is the 1st Friday of every June, most people take the long weekend and either travel, or barbecue, or throw a party and not plant a tree or pick up litter or any of the other stuff the day is designed for and in fact will create more trash and pollution than if the day didn't exist at all.

2. Force Day- After enough people write in "Other: Jedi "as their official religion on the most recent national census, the government makes July 30th Force Day. Everyone gets the day off with pay and wears traditional Jedi/Sith robes (the makers of the Snuggie get involved and make a super comfortable Jedi blanket/robe) and talk like Yoda and watch Star Wars.

3. Recovery Day- American companies, realizing that efficiency and attendance are way, way down the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday, lobby the government just to make it a national holiday for tax reasons. Everyone gets that Monday off with pay to recover from their big party the night before. And if you live in the city of the winning team you get an extra paid day off (whether you follow football or not). Also, if you can get notarized proof that you have been a fan of the winning team for at least 5 years, but just don't live in that city, you can also get a 2nd paid day off.

4. Samtsirhc- This is reverse Christmas. It happens when Christmas is exactly 6 months away and everything is 100% opposite from Christmas. Instead of bringing a tree into your house, you take a piece of furniture out on your lawn, but don't decorate it. You have to be mean to others if you want any gifts. And you don't buy presents for other people, you buy them for yourself. The folk lore is that a very skinny beardless black woman, wearing an all blue jumpsuit, pulls a sleigh full of reindeer around the world, but not through the air, she pulls the sleigh underwater. Then she comes up through your drains and takes junk you leave by your bathtub away with her. Everyone gets the day off with pay. You are not allowed to go to any family member's house.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Deal or No Deal is Stupid (There, I Said It)

Has anybody noticed that you must be a lunatic to appear on modern TV game shows? TV game show contestants used to need skill or smarts or even just plain dumb luck to win cash and prizes, but that's not enough anymore. Now you have to be an over the top, crazy eyed, mega vocal, nervous tick having, catch phrase slingin', fist pumpin', ridiculous outfit wearin' idiot if you want a chance to be a TV game show contestant. And if you're a female contestant, it is a prerequisite to scream like you've been stuck with a cattle prod.

Shows like Deal or No Deal and others like it (but mostly Deal or No Deal, I hate that show) have made insanity the norm and in so doing have alienated the average home viewer who is not a certifiable mad man. Here is the average commentary from a Deal or No Deal contestant.

When asked their name: "I'm Trish from Alabama and I'm here to slamma jamma! Whoooooo!"

When asked what they would do with their money: "I'm gonna buy me a house and fill it up with collectible ceramic poodles!

Repeated at least 17 times throughout the show (hands pressed together under her nose, in a nervous whisper): "Gotta slamma jamma Trish! Gotta slamma jamma!"

When asked about their outfit: "This is from my cousin's clothing line, Tren-Day Stylez! It's retro meets modern meets outer space.

I mean honestly, can you see this person on Jeapordy?

Alex Trebek: The clue for Get Red-y for $400 is "In 1987, this fresh breath chewable burst onto the scene". Trish?

Trish: Slamma Jamma!

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry that's not correct.

Trish: Oh, sorry! I mean, What is Slamma Jamma!

Alex Trebek: No, I mean the answer is What is Big Red.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Has anybody else noticed how out of hand chip flavors have gotten recently? There are more options for chip flavors than there are for…well, something that there’s a bunch of options for. Remember when there used to be just a hand full of flavors? You had Original/Plain, Bar-B-Q, Sour Cream and Onion, Nacho Cheese, and Ranch and that was pretty much it.

Now, every brand has to have 37 different flavor variants of their chips. You still got your old reliable flavors, but you’ve also got all the new kids on the block flavors. And the new flavors aren’t just called what they taste like. No, they’ve all got to have some fancy catchy trademarked name too.

And then there’s the trend of trying to make the chips taste like actual prepared foods rather than just seasoned chips. Things like Loaded Backed Potato and Cheese Burger flavored chips. In my opinion, these flavors are an abomination and should be blotted out from the face of the earth. Also, I don’t think they taste very good either.

I’ve also noticed that some companies that didn’t used to be in the chips game are starting to try and break into it. Lays, Ruffles, Frito-Lay, Pringles, and generic brands are being moved in on by companies like Ritz and Cheese Itz. Pretty soon, I bet you’ll be able to find Michelin tire brand chips on the shelves.

You would think that all the variety we’ve already mentioned would be the end of it, but you’d be wrong. You also have to consider all the different ways of cooking the chips. You’ve got regular style, kettle cooked, baked and probably more techniques that I can’t even think of. Plus, you’ve got the fat free option, lite option, and regular tons-o-fat option.

So let’s do the actual math on this using this totally legitimate equation: B(FxMxFC) = LCO In this equation, B = Brand, F = Flavor, M = Method of Cooking, FC = Fat Content, and LCO = Level of Choice Overload.

These days, I wouldn’t be surprised to find any of the following at the grocery store:

Spicy Mouth Kickin’ Ranch-B-Q Pringles®

Smooth Cheddar Chili Bacon Explosion Doritos®

Lays® Honey Smoked Ham with Mama’s Gravy Kettle Cooked Chips

Ruffles® Short Stack Pancake Batter Natural Cut Chips

Deep Fried Cajun Coconut Shrimp Fritos®

Ritz® Fat Free Home Style Ribs Chips

Ruffles® Velveeta® JalapeƱo Lip Smackers

Nintendo® Xtreme Crunch Fried Chicken Stackerz Kettle Cooked Chips- for use with Wii Crunch Lunch game

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Say What?

I would like to thank my buddy, the King of Nicknames, for his suggestion for this post. I won't say his real name, but if any of you know Skeet, Skeeter P, Hoops, the One Under Wonder, the Crazy Train, or D, you know who to thank for this post.

I like to think that I have a pretty good grasp of the English language. And part of that grasp includes being up on the latest and greatest in hip phrases and buzz words. However, one new word has me stumped. That word is "redonckulous" (pronounced re-DONCK-u-lous). I had to do some research to find out more about this word.

From English class at A. C. Reyonlds High School, I know that the "re-" prefix means to do something again (as in rerun). So, we can infer that
"redonckulous" means that something is "donckulous" for at least the 2nd time. This begs the question, "How does one donckulous in the first place?" I'm glad you asked.

Donckulous is derived from it's root word "donck", an Irish word meaning "to express". Over the years, mostly due to the constant changing in the British Isles, the word came to mean "to express one's admiration." Therefore, if one were to repeatedly express how great they thought something was they would be re-doncking.

It wasn't until the Industrial Revolution brought thousands of rural farmers into the cities that the word was merged with the word "fabulous" and the term "redonckulous" was born. Thaddeus Morganroth, who most historians consider the father of the modern sweat shop, made the term famous when he told Queen Mary the 45th or something, "Your Majesty, I feel that you will find the stitch work on my new line of petticoats most redonckulous."

Monday, November 2, 2009

Kid Gloves

Now that I have a kid, I find myself thinking along the lines of kid type stuff. Diapers, burping, etc. One of the things that struck me recently was the expression "take off the kid gloves".

This phrase is very disturbing to me. Mostly the part about "kid gloves". To me, this can only have a certain number of possible meanings, none of which are good.

Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of children
Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of baby goats
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch children
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch baby goats

I suppose "kid gloves" could also mean to jokingly tease a pair of gloves, but frankly, that's just too far fetched to even consider. So, before you use the expression "take off the kid gloves", take a minute to consider that the phrase has extremely barbaric origins and should not be used lightly.

Personally, the least disturbing meaning is a pair of gloves specifically used to punch baby goats. But as to why anyone would have enough cause to punch baby goats so much that they would create gloves specifically for that purpose is beyond me.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Extra Extra

You know how newspaper headlines have the big headline and then a smaller follow up headline right underneath it? Well, if more headlines read like these, I think newspapers would make a comeback.

Pope Speaks on Chicken Soup Fiasco

Police Say He Should Mind His Own Business

Autograph Seeker Gets More Than She Bargained For

Midnight Marshmallow Fight To Blame

Three Fingered Man Can’t Give Thumbs Up To Mayor

Wall Street Experts Predict Sticky Situation

Fisherman Refuses To Back Down

Mother-In-Law Has Her Own Opinion

Grateful Retailer Slashes Prices For Local Dentist

State Fair to Hold Psychic Pig Beauty Contest

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Ivan's Impression

I hang out with these dudes. They're all from the former Soviet Union. They defected to the US during the Cold War but now they're just doing normal stuff: x-ray tech, contractor, regional car wash chain owner, you know, normal stuff.

But when we all hang out, they are just crazy. They get to talking about the old times and before you know it, Ivan is doing his Katie Couric impression.

He's all, "I'm Katie Couric! I report the news! I'm a lady!"

It's great. You should really hear him do it though cause it's better than me just telling you about it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

We Have Our Blogfan Challenge Winner!

Congratulations to Kelly H. from North Carolina!

She figured out the clues and won a year's subscription of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

For those of you who are curious, the clues led to another blog at

When highlighted and deciphered, the answer to the last clue was of "traffic lights."

So congratulations again to Kelly! And for those of you who were only visiting the blogs for a chance at the prize, I'm sorry that you'll have to settle for just regular blog posts now.

Again, sorry that I haven't been blogging lately, but my first little baby girl was born this past Monday, 10/19, at 1:25 in the afternoon, so I've been a bit busy.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

$0,000 Blogfan Challenge Update

Hey all you readers out there!

Here's an update on the $0,000 Blogfan Challenge. We posted a while back that the color coded clue, when found and unscrambled, came out to:

Clue 1- All words found and unscrambled
"It's another one of what you've been reading..."

Clue 2- All words found and unscrambled
"Circus men who eat too much. Big pants, large shoes and lots of blush."

As no one has won the magazine subscription yet, here's a little more help.

The answer to Clue 1 is: a blog
The answer to Clue 2 is: fat clowns

So, go on over to, take on the final piece of the puzzle, and win that magazine subscription! Good luck!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Snap Back

DMT Faithful,
First I'd like to apologize for not having posts the past few days. Just as an FYI, we at the DMT are expecting our first baby (and by "we" I mean my wife and by "our first baby" I mean our first baby). Anyway, the due date is Oct 9th and things have been a little hectic lately. So, the DMT may be a bit sporadic in the coming months. But fear not, the DMT will continue to bring the funny, but with a bit less regularity than before. Thanks for your support.

Ever hear a phrase and have that wicked inner voice snap a quick comeback that you secretly wish you could say out loud? Here's a few of mine. Enjoy.

Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

Nuh uh! Get your own friends loser.

A chain is as only as strong as it's weakest link.

A chain is as only as strong as whatever it's made out of. Nice try paper chain.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Only if didn't pay attention all through medical school.

Long in the tooth.

Um, what?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

$0,000 Blogfan Challenge Update

For everybody who has been following the clues of the $0,000 Blogfan Challenge and has been a little frustrated, here's a little help.

Clue 1- All words found and unscrambled
"It's another one of what you've been reading..."

Clue 2- All words found and unscrambled
"Circus men who eat too much. Big pants, large shoes and lots of blush."

Solving these clues will point you in the direction of the next step of the challenge. This might help you get a little closer to winning that magazine subscription!

Good luck!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Read the Riot Act

Have you ever heard about someone having someone else "read them the riot act"? From what I understand, this usually occurs during a heated exchange of words or verbal fight. It seems like a strange time to start reading legislation to someone. I mean, think about the last time you were having an argument with someone. Would it have helped you (or the other person for that matter) if one of you had, right in the middle of the yelling and screaming, all of a sudden whipped out the 1973 Endangered Species Act and started reading it?

You: Well you said that you would take care of it but when I came home there it was, still all over the floor!

Them: Don't judge me! I've had a really stressful week ok? Steve from Accounting took my parking spot EVERY SINGLE DAY this week and that has got me a little wound up!

You: So now it's MY fault that this Steve guy stole your parking spot? Don't take that out on me!

Them: It's just that I always try to tell you about my day and you always act like my problems are just so trivial! Well you're the one who's trivial!

You: Oh yeah? Well, according the Endangered Species Act of 1973

SEC. 2.16 U.S.C. 1531(a) FINDINGS.—The Congress finds
and declares that—
(1) various species of fish, wildlife, and plants in the
United States have been rendered extinct as a consequence of
economic growth and development untempered by adequate
concern and conservation;
(2) other species of fish, wildlife, and plants have been so
depleted in numbers that they are in danger of or threatened
with extinction;
(3) these species of fish, wildlife, and plants are of aesthetic,
ecological, educational, historical, recreational, and scientific
value to the Nation and its people;
(4) the United States has pledged itself as a sovereign
state in the international community to conserve to the extent
practicable the various species of fish or wildlife and plants
facing extinction, pursuant to—
(A) migratory bird treaties with Canada and Mexico;
(B) the Migratory and Endangered Bird Treaty with
(C) the Convention on Nature Protection and Wildlife
Preservation in the Western Hemisphere;
(D) the International Convention for the Northwest
Atlantic Fisheries;
(E) the International Convention for the High Seas
Fisheries of the North Pacific Ocean;
(F) the Convention on International Trade in Endangered
Species of Wild Fauna and Flora; and
(G) other international agreements; and
(5) encouraging the States and other interested parties,
through Federal financial assistance and a system of incentives,
to develop and maintain conservation programs which
meet national and international standards is a key to meeting
the Nation’s international commitments and to better safeguarding,
for the benefit of all citizens, the Nation’s heritage
in fish, wildlife, and plants.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

For Pete's Sake!

People must really love Pete. And Pete must champion a lot of causes. It's the only thing that makes sense because people are always telling people to do something for Pete's sake. Here are some instances in which people invoke Pete's name and the causes that he must support for the sentences to make sense.

"Just take out the trash for Pete's sake!"

Pete volunteers at the Coalition for Timely Waste Removal

"I wish you would quit calling me! For Pete's sake!"

Pete supports the Amicable Break Up League

"My car got broken into again? For Pete's sake!"

Pete sends annual donations to the RCBRA (Repeat Car Burglary Relief Association)

"Slowly place the gun on the ground and kick it over to me. Now turn around and put your hands behind your head. JUST DO IT YOU CRAZY CHIMP! FOR PETE'S SAKE!"

Pete helped to found the Wichita branch of MSHNoA (Monkey Standoff Hostage Negotiators of America)

Monday, September 28, 2009

3 Hours of Turning Left

If you hate NASCAR, does that make you a race-ist?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Hank Maximum: Meet Skip

Don't forget to vote on the right sidebar for what should happen next!

Hank pushed himself up on one elbow. He looked through the bars into the cell across the hall. Hank thought his mind was playing tricks on him. There, sitting in the cell opposite him, was the man in black from his dream. "Who are you?" Hank asked, still a little groggy.

"My name is Henry Glenview," he said, "But you can call me Skip, everyone does." Skip stood up and heaved a heavy sigh. "I told you not to let them find it," he said. Skip looked disapprovingly at Hank. "You're not doing a very good job of it so far," he said.

"First of all," Hank said, a bit surprised by Skip's tone, "How did you get into my dream? Second, how did you write on that newspaper? And third, how did you end up here?"

"Let's start with your third question first," Skip said. "It's the easiest. I ended up here because I was married to a lovely young girl named Sally. Sally MacCorkill."

"MacCorkill as in the lunatic that has us locked up in an underground jail while he hunts for the Loch Ness monster MacCorkill?" Hank asked.

"Yes," Skip said. "Larry is my brother-in-law."

"Larry!?!?" Hank asked. "That guy's first name is Larry?"

"Yes," Skip said. "You were expecting something else?"

"Well yeah," Hank said. "If a guy's got an elaborate illegal multi-national organization with an underground complex dedicated to finding the Loch Ness monster you'd expect him to have a more sinister first name like Victor or Vlad or Drakanus or something."

"Well it's Larry," Skip said. "To answer your second and first questions, I am a low level telepath. I can enter people's subconscious minds, but not their waking thoughts. I entered your mind while you slept to try and warn you about Larry, but it didn't work."

"Obviously," Hank said. "So why did Larry lock you up?"

"I'm afraid that I am somewhat responsible for Larry's bad behavior," Skip said. "You see, ever since I realized my ability, I have been searching for others like myself. I made the miscalculation of telling Larry about it. Larry used his connections in the business world to amass a large amount of ill gotten money and power. He then offered for me to help him with his mad quest to find the Loch Ness monster. When I turned him down, he locked me in here. I've been here for 2 years now. Once Larry captures and clones the abilities of the Loch Ness monster, he plans to do experiments on me to capture my ability as well. The only reason I'm alive is because he needs to capture Nessie first."

"Well," Hank said, "Let's figure a way to escape from here so that you don't have to become Larry's new guinea pig."

"I've tried to think of everything," Skip said. "I've given up hope." Skip sat down on his cot, a look of dejection on his face.

"Not everything," Hank said. Hank reached down and took off his shoe. He removed the sole and took out a small transmitter device. He pushed a tiny button on the side and returned the transmitter to his shoe.

"What was that?" Skip asked, a flicker of hope in his weary eyes.

"That was an emergency homing beacon," Hank said. "It calls for help when I'm in a jam. And from the looks of it, this is shaping up to be a doozy."

"Who does it call?" Skip asked, the eagerness showing in his voice.

"It calls the only person I would trust in a time like this," Hank said. "It calls...

1. My sister Tina

2. My dentist Carl

3. My stock broker Ike

Don't forget to vote on the right sidebar for what should happen next!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Direct Approach

Have you ever noticed that people go to great lengths to come up with witty and clever ways to tell people that they are less than intelligent? Here's a few examples:

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Your elevator doesn't go all the way up.

You're not playing with a full deck.

The problem with these one liners is that, if you are talking to someone who really is what you are saying they are, then they won't understand your clever little word game. So, the next time you want to tell a dumb person that they're dumb, try this approach.

1. Get their attention with something shiny

2. Quickly hide the shiny object and then make immediate eye contact

3. Grip the sides of their head with both hands to make them focus on you

4. Speaking slowly and loudly say, "YOU ARE STUPID!"

5. Repeat as necessary

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Fight Fire with Fire

Have you ever heard someone say that you should "fight fire with fire"? This strikes me as a bit strange. How does it makes sense to fight a force of destruction with that very same force of destruction? For example, let's say an emergency room doctor is trying to save the life of a man who has been shot several times. If you take the "fight fire with fire" logic then the medical strategy that the doctor should employ would to "fight bullets with bullets".

I just have a hard time imagining that scenario.

Nurse: He's flat lining! Doctor, what should we do?

Doctor: I'm not losing this one! We've got to fight bullets with bullets. Nurse, get me 50 CC's of hyperdoxatrin and a Glock stat.

Nurse: Here you go Doctor.

Doctor: Thank you nurse. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Call me crazy, but I think the phrase should be "fight fire with WATER".

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

All Good Things

They say that "all good things must come to an end"…but why is that? Let's examine this thought in detail.

The first word in the phrase is "All". That's pretty self explanatory.

However, the next word is kind of tricky. "Good". I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Okay, here we go," or "Well, I saw this coming,", but that's were you'd be wrong. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

Okay, now that we've got that cleared up, let's move on to the rest of phrase, "things must come to an end." It is true that "things must come to an end", but the end of what? The end of the line? The end of the road? The end of the railroad tracks? This is where things start to get a little confusing. Because not all good things will fit on a train. So, if all good things must come to an end of the railroad tracks, but they can't fit on a train to begin with, where does that leave us? I'll let you decide that one my friends. I'll let you decide.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Case of the Monday's

Has anyone ever asked you if you had a "case of the Mondays"? It has never happened to me personally, but I have heard of it happening to other people. Usually a person who asks if you have a "case of the Mondays" is one of those individuals who actually enjoys Mondays, specifically Monday mornings.

In the normal human brain, Monday morning is a time of sluggishness and slow functionality. This slow start is natures way of preventing us from doing too much too fast, kind of like when you stand up too fast and get light headed. People who enjoy Monday mornings, however, have an abnormally large part of their brain which causes them to ask stupid questions like if you have a "case of the Mondays"? These people can often be identified early in life as most are former teacher's pets or kiss-ups of some other variety. Personally, I think they should be shipped off the circus.

The best course of action is to avoid being asked if you have a "case of the Mondays" is to avoid such people until a sufficient amount of caffeine has kicked in so that you just don't care.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Hank Maximum: Healing Powers

As Hank crashed to the floor, MacCorkill stood over him and said, "I will find the Loch Ness monster and I will finally be able to clone its cells for their healing powers." Hank was woozy, but still conscious. He tried to steady himself and comprehend what McCorkill was saying. "Imagine it," McCorkill said, "A creature that has existed for thousands of years in a very limited and small eco-system. This creature must have amazing regenerative traits that allows it to heal itself over the years. If I can harness that ability, refine it, and make it work for humans, I will be the most powerful man in the world!"

I've got to stop him! Hank thought. Hank tried to stand, but the drugs coursing through his system caused his muscles to fail. Hank fell to the ground hard. McCorkill motioned to a few guards. They came over and picked Hank up. "Take him to a holding cell," McCorkill said.

The guards dragged Hank out of the nerve center of the underground station and down a hall way. They came to an elevator and got in. Hank was lucid enough to see them press the button for sub-level 8. Hank felt the elevator car jerk as they began to descend even further underground. When the elevator came to a halt, the guards dragged Hank into what appeared to be a prison level. They brought him to the first cell in a row of 3 and tossed him in.

Hank, weak from the drugs and the dog attack, passed out on the floor. When he awoke, what felt like hours later, he heard a voice. It was very small and sounded far away at first. But as Hank's eyes cleared, the voice began to get louder and more clear. "Hello over there?" it said. "Are you okay?"

Hank pushed himself up on one elbow. He looked through the bars into the cell across the hall. Hank thought his mind was playing tricks on him. It can't be, Hank thought. There, sitting in the cell opposite him, was...

1. The man in black from his dream

2. The curious cab driver

3. The receptionist from Prague

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Can't Beat'em? Join'em!

There was a time, not too long in our past, when people could just say whatever they wanted to because this is America. And while we still legally and technically have free speech, Political Correctness has made everyday conversation a minefield. You never know what phrase might offend what person. And while there certainly are inappropriate words, phrases, and topics of conversation in general, the whole PC thing has gotten out of hand. And since Political Correctness appears to be more than just a passing fad, I have decided to take an "If you can't beat'em, join'em" approach to the subject. From now on, I will personally be greatly offended by the following...

1. I will somehow find the phrase "go with the flow" religiously offensive.

2. I will find a way to make the word "fructose" have something to do with being a racial slur.

3. I will be outraged by any and all references to the number 367.

4. If you blink more than 26 times while engaging me in conversation, I will take that as a personal and intentional attack on my Irish/Italian/German heritage.

5. I will accuse you of sexism if you ever say the word "crunchy".

6. It will be an unforgivable insult to refer to me as "inquisitive".

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Doctors Need More Practice

When you get a shot from a doctor (or nurse cause nurses give shots sometimes too, I know cause I've seem them do it), they always say, "You're going to feel a little pinch." I have a problem with this because you don't feel a little pinch, you feel a little stab.

So, if doctors (and nurses too) are dishonest about this small detail, what else are they being dishonest about? What about when you're told, "The doctor will see you now"? That's almost never the case. The doctor will actually see you about 7.62 minutes from when you're told "The doctor will see you now." And even though it's not outright lying, all doctors (and also nurses) are very misleading when they tell you test results. They'll tell you something's positive when it is the worst news ever. Or they'll tell you that something's negative when it will actually make you happy to hear it. I know that doctor's take that Hipp-o-matic oath to "do no harm", but maybe they should throw something about honesty in there too. I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The $0,000 Blogfan Challenge!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Daily Motivational Thought and the My Older Brothers blogs are proud to present…

The $0,000 Blogfan Challenge!

For all you devoted readers out there, here’s a little treat. Over the next few weeks, be on the look out for clues. You’ll have to visit both blogs to find all the clues. The first person to correctly decipher the clues will win their choice of a year’s magazine subscription!


  • Find and follow all the clues.
  • Do not ask for additional hints or help from us cause that's cheating. (However, we do have a Cash 4 Clues program in which you give us each a $100 bill and we'll give you an extra hint.)
  • Family members of the organizers are welcome to play, but can not win. (That would be like Simon Cowell’s kid winning American Idol.)
  • Have fun!
Grand Prize: Winner can choose a year's subscription from the following magazines:
  • Redbook
  • Better Homes and Gardens
  • Parents Magazine
  • Ladies Home Journal
  • Traditional Home
  • Good House Keeping
  • Wired Magazine
  • House Beautiful
  • Popular Mechanics
  • Country Living
  • Smart Money
  • Golf Digest
  • Self
  • Body and Soul
  • Everyday Food
  • Town and Country
  • Entertainment Weekly
  • Bon Appetit
  • Veranda
  • Martha Stewart Weddings

Consolation Prizes: A warm fuzzy feeling that you tried your best.

Let the challenge begin!

Monday, September 14, 2009


Other things LOL could stand for. There's lots of them!

1. Left Over Lasagna

2. Land O Lakes

3. Little Old Lady

4. League Of Lawyers

5. Lawnmowers Of Louisiana

6. List Of Laundry

7. Leaning On Lampposts

8. Looking Over Lists

9. Lots Of Lettuce

10. Lessons Of Life

So next time someone includes "LOL" in a text or email, ask them if they are in a League of Lawyers and see what their reaction is.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Lost in Translation

For people who are learning the English language, TV can be a good source of English being used in everyday situations. Programming like sit-coms and documentaries can often help non-English speakers learn. However, non-English speakers should not try to learn English by listening to the announcers on almost any major sporting event. For some reason, sports announcers use an almost incoherent mish-mash of seemingly random words to describe the events taking place on the field, court, and/or rink. Sometimes they make up words on the spot in their efforts to describe the action. The following are particularly confusing sports terms/phrases:

Sports Speak: "He's money in the clutch."

Literal Translation: "He is exchangeable currency in the gear shifting mechanism."

Actual Meaning: "He performs well under pressure."

Sports Speak: "He's dropping bombs from downtown."

Literal Translation: "He is dropping explosive devices from the middle of the city."

Actual Meaning: "He is making lots of long range shots."

Sports Speak: "He just got posterized!"

Literal Translation: "Someone made a poster out of him."

Actual Meaning: "Someone just accomplished such an amazing feat of skill and athleticism that it could be made into a poster. The poster, while highlighting the great play on the part of the offensive player, would in an equal fashion, embarrass or cause shame to the player who was outplayed. Hence, getting 'posterized', is not a good thing. However, for the one doing the 'posterizing', it is a very good thing.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Another Problem with Math

Another problem I have with math (pun very much intended) is when there start to be more letters involved than numbers. This usually happens somewhere around high school. They'll write out some big long thing on the board, consisting mostly of the letters a, b, x, and y, and tell you to solve it, knowing full well you just came back from lunch and are almost comatose because the room is so warm and your stomach is full.

And if you ever try to reason with your math teacher and say, "When am I ever going to need this in my real life? Nobody ever uses this type of stuff," your teacher will say something like "I use it everyday." Well of course they use it everyday! They have to teach it everyday! And that big long mess of alphabet soup on the board? The answer is always zero. That bugs me. I mean, where else can you do all that work, have nothing to show for it, and then be praised for your production of zero-ness?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Hank Maximum: The Underground Staircase

Hank hesitated for a moment. This could be a trap, he thought. But then again, my mission details did send me here. Hank stepped into the tool shed and found a spiral staircase leading underground. Hank quickly descended the stairs and soon found himself in what appeared to be a scientific research center, full of people and monitors.

"Mr. Maximum," MacCorkill said, gesturing at the banks of computers and machinery. "Welcome to my office."

"What is it that you do?" Hank asked, still favoring his dog bitten arm.

MacCorkill motioned to Hank and someone brought over a first aid kit and began to work on Hank's arm. "This is where we observe any activity our scopes pick up," he said. "From here, we can detect the smallest movement or sound or change in thermal density."

"What are you observing?" Hank asked as a bandage was applied to his arm. "What are you trying to detect?"

"Do you know the Scottish word for 'lake' Mr. Maximum?" MacCorkill asked.

"It's 'loch' I believe," Hank replied, still a bit puzzled. "You're observing a lake? I didn't see any lakes around here."

"This is a remote listening station," MacCorkill replied. "The loch we're observing is kilometers away in the Highlands."

Hank froze. The dog attack had frazzled his mind, but all the pieces were starting to fall into place. Scotland, lake, observation post, the Highlands. "No..." Hank whispered to himself. He looked up to see MacCorkill staring at him. It was obvious that MacCorkill realized that Hank had figured it out.

"Yes Mr. Maximum," he said. "We have several underwater detection devices in Loch Ness. And now that I have recently purchased a new experimental microchip from an associate of mine in Prague, I anticipate that success will soon be within my grasp."

Hank's mind was reeling. MacCorkill was the one on the tape! Hank thought. He bought the microchip from Stavich and now he's using it in Loch Ness to try to find the Loch Ness monster! All of a sudden Hank remembered his dream in which the mysterious man in black had said, "Don't let them find it!" Hank tried to stand, but found his vision was blurring and his legs felt numb. The first aid! Hank realized that the person giving him first aid had applied a drug patch to his arm. As Hank crashed to the floor, MacCorkill stood over him and said, "I will find the Loch Ness monster and I will finally be able to..."

1. Clone its cells for their healing powers

2. Add its head to my collection of rare animals

3. Rid the world of a monster

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Dream of Ninjas

I dreamed a dream of ninjas, of throwing stars and swords

There were so many ninjas that they could be called a horde

They were sneaking in the shadows, they were lurking in the dark

They were waiting for the moment when they could kill their mark

Their swords were sharp as razor blades and their minds were sharper still

For a ninja is a person who is trained from birth to kill

But then the dream got really weird and the ninjas began to sing

In perfect 4 part harmony, songs from “The Lion King”

Then all of a sudden I was at the dentist and my teeth were being cleaned

And I didn’t have dental insurance so I had to pay them with sardines

But when I walked out of the dentist, I realized I was at the zoo

I was sitting in the front row watching a performing kangaroo

And then a ninja jumped out of the kangaroo’s pouch and we began to fight!

He punched at me and I kicked at him and I fought with all my might!

And then I woke up sweating all tangled in the covers

I had one of my pillows in a head lock and had ripped apart the other

I dreamed a dream of ninjas and my linens paid the price

I wonder why our minds freak out when we go to sleep at night?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Curiosity Killed the Cat

They say that curiosity killed the cat. And it’s true. Curiosity has killed many a cat. But what most people don’t know is that below the surface of this seemingly common place phrase, there is a vast conspiracy.

It is no secret that cats and dogs are mortal enemies. No one can remember which side started the feud, but both sides remain firmly entrenched in their war. The cats enjoyed a great deal of success in the ancient world, having convinced many cultures (most notably the Egyptians) that they were divine creatures. As time passed, cats and dogs fought each other almost to a standstill in many rural areas. The dogs claimed victory on many farms for their assistance with herding sheep. However, many cats will claim that if they had not kept the houses and barns free of mice, most farms would have been overrun by rodents.

The dogs began to gain ground, however, as the world began to undergo the Industrial Revolution. But it wasn’t until the last year of the Second World War that the dogs set their most successful campaign against the cats into motion.

As the eyes of the world were focused on the War, the dogs capitalized on that distraction. Several special ops canine units infiltrated the top secret military research facilities of the world. The dogs were looking specifically for experimental research and in Norway they found what would become their greatest weapon against the cats: a mind control drug.

The dogs destroyed all records of the drug and took the formula. They then began to modify the mind control drug to induce curiosity. Once the dogs had fully perfected their curiosity drug, they began to secretly sneak it into all of the major brands of cat food on the market. So, for decades now, dogs everywhere have just let the human world believe that curiosity killed the cat.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fun with Sports Cards

Recently I was about to throw away a box of worthless old sports cards when I realized that while my cards held no monetary value, many of them provided a source of hilarity that can only come from high school jocks turned pro.

The Mullet

While most of us remember the Mullet as a feature of the 1980's, my old sports cards collection has proven that the Mullet was still a die hard staple of Major League Baseball hairdo's well into the 1990's.

Nothing says, "I'm going to strike you out!" like a blonde hair tail flapping in the breeze.

I don't know what disturbs me more: the huge mullet creeping down Mitch's neck or the creepy shadow serial killer looking guy standing just behind him. Let's hope that the serial killer is one of Mitch's parents or teachers because then maybe they won't kill him.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Shake a Stick

Have you ever heard someone say, in reference to a large amount, that it's "more than you could shake a stick at"? At first I disagreed with this statement entirely because, on the surface, it doesn't make any sense. And then I tried it.

I don't know about you, but my arm gets tired really quickly. After about only 5 minutes of shaking a stick, my arm all but fell off. I guess if you were a really buff person who worked out a lot, your arm could last maybe 10 to 15 minutes, tops. So, the next time you see a whole bunch of stuff, unless you are really (and I mean really) strong, it's probably more than you could shake a stick at.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Hank Maximum: Attack of the Dogs

Fans: Your task this week is to spread the word about the adventures of Hank Maximum! Tell at least 1 person who you think would enjoy picking Hank's weekly adventures to check Hank out on the DMT! And don't forget to vote!

As Hank surfaced from his roll, he assumed his karate stance and found himself facing a giant of a man. "Who are you?" Hank demanded.

Instead of answering Hank's question, the huge assailant called out, "I've found him! Release the dogs!" Hank froze, not knowing what to do.

I'm a really good karate man, Hank thought, But I've never done karate against dogs before! As Hank's mind raced to think of what to do, three large German shepherds burst around the corner of the house and into the backyard. They charged towards Hank, teeth bared and mouths foaming.

The first dog leapt for Hank's face, ready to rip him to pieces. Hank reacted instinctively. He grabbed the dog's front paws, and in one whirling motion, spun and threw the dog straight at the large man who had thrown the gnome at Hank. The dog hit the man square in the face and both fell to the ground in a mix of yelps and grunts. However, in the time it took Hank to throw the first dog, the other two had closed the distance to Hank. One of them bit down on his pant leg and jerked his feet out from under him. The other would have had Hank's throat in its jaws, but Hank had put up his forearm just in time to save his neck. The dog have a vise like grip on Hank's arm and was not letting go.

I'm done for, Hank thought as he lay on the ground, fighting off the dogs. But no sooner than the dogs had knocked Hank to the ground, the sharp blast of a whistle drew them off. THWEEEEEE! Hank looked up and saw another man standing next to his original attacker. The smaller man said, "Take the dogs back inside. I'll deal with our visitor." As the giant escorted the three dogs back to the front of the house, the newcomer walked over to Hank and offered him a hand up. "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding Mr. Maximum. We thought you were someone else."

"Who are you?" Hank said, still trying to make sense of what was going on. Hank brushed himself off and gently touched his bleeding forearm. Something about this man was familiar, but Hank couldn't quite place it.

"My name is Mr. MacCorkill," the man said. "We'll get you patched up once we get you inside." Hank, hearing about getting patched up inside, walked towards the backdoor of the house. "Oh, we're not going in there," MacCorkill said. "Please follow me." MacCorkill walked to the back corner of the backyard to a small tool shed. He opened the door and turned to Hank. "This way please," he said, and ducked inside.

Hank hesitated for a moment. This could be a trap, he thought. But then again, my mission details did send me here. Hank stepped into the tool shed and found...

1. An ordinary looking tool shed

2. A spiral staircase leading underground

3. A gun pointed in his face

Thursday, August 27, 2009


It seems to me that there is a mathematical formula for determining how interesting an email is based on how many people it has previously been forwarded to. The formula is this:

G - E = I

In this formula, G represents how "good" something is. E represents each "email" address that the email has already been forwarded to. And I represents "interesting-ness" (how interesting it will actually be). So, if your cousin sends something directly to you and the subject says, "Dude, this is hilarious!" it probably is. But if you get something like the example below you'd better prepare yourself.

RANDY FARMER to Tom, me, Nicky, Lisa, narddog17, Bobby, tickledpink31, markt, Rick, Tina

This will put a smile on your face!

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Justin Case <>

Date: Wed, Aug 12, 2009 at 8:02 PM

Subject: Fw: Half-human, half-lizard boy gets his G.E.D.

To: Sharon White <>, Beverly Richards <>, Darth Vader <>, Obi Wan Kenobi <>, The Emperor <>, Padme Amidala <>, Han Solo <>, Chewbacca “Chewy” Wookieberg <>, Jabba Hutt <>,, Lando Calrissian <>, C3P0 <>, Luke Skywalker <>, Princess Leia Organa <>, Yoda <>, R2D2 <>

Hilarious! It made my day!

----- Original Message -----


To: ; Kraven <> ; Kingpin <> ; May Parker <> ; Mary Jane Watson <>; Green Goblin <> ; Dr. Octopus <> ; Ben Parker <> ; Curt Connors <> ; Sandman <> ; Electro <> ; Venom <> ; Gwen Stacy <> ; Vulture <>

Sent: Bluesday, August 02, 2009 13:07 AM

Subject: FW: Half-human, half-lizard boy gets his G.E.D.

This is great! Pass it on to all your friends!

From: Carson Walkadonnerton []

Sent: Tonday, August 01, 2009 12:36 BM

To: Bruce Wayne <>; Dick Greyson <> ; Joker <>; Selina Kyle <>; Joe Chill <> ; Penguin <> ; Mr. Freeze <> ; Poison Ivy <>; Scarecrow <>; Clark Kent <>; Lex Luthor <> ; Lois Lane <> ; Brainiac <> ; Wonder Woman <>; Dooms Day <> ; Green Lantern <>

Subject: Fw: Half-human, half-lizard boy gets his G.E.D.


--- On Fri, 7/31/09, Bobby Borkostolp <> wrote:

Subject: Fw: Half-human, half-lizard boy gets his G.E.D.

To: "Frodo" <>, "Sam">, "Gandalf" <>, "Aragorn" <>, "Saruman">, "Gollum" , "Gimli" <>, "Legolos" <>, "Arwen" <>, "Sauron" <>, "Bilbo Baggins" <>

Date: Friday, July 31, 2009, 10:58 AM

Please forward this to everyone you know, no matter mustard.

No virus found in this incoming message.

Checked by AVG -

Version: 8.5.392 / Virus Booger Database: 270.13.44/2282 - Release Pate Date: 08/04/09 18:01:00

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Spitting Image

The idea for this DMT post came from my good friend and former roommate Kent Owens. Kent, image shmimage.

We’ve all heard someone say something like “Tony is the spitting image of his uncle Frank.” And while most people just dismiss the phrase “spitting image” as one of life’s unsolvable mysteries, there is an actual historical origin for the phrase.

In 1907, independently wealthy British nobleman Sir Clarence Tippington decided he would spend a year in Argentina. While there, Sir Clarence, who was very interested in the study of animals, encountered something strange. While traveling in Argentina, Sir Clarence came across a llama that had unusually shaped head. Sir Clarence asked the man who owned the llama what kind of llama it was. The man, via a translator, responded that it was a “picture llama”. Sir Clarence, unfamiliar with the term “picture llama”, asked the man to explain further. The man grabbed Sir Clarence by the arm and pulled him face to face with the llama. The llama just stared at Sir Clarence for about a minute and turned its head and spit on the ground. At first Sir Clarence was confused. Then he looked down. There on the ground was an almost photographic likeness of himself, outlined entirely in llama spit.

What Sir Clarence had “discovered” was the Argentinean picture llama. The Argentinean picture llama has several unique genetic features that allow it to produce its picture like images. First, the Argentinean picture llama has overdeveloped optic nerves that give it much better eyesight than an average llama. This allows the picture llama to process a great amount of visual detail. Second, the saliva glands of the Argentinean picture llama are tapered towards the end creating a natural ink jet printer effect. This allows the spit of the Argentinean picture llama to be tightly focused into recognizable images.

Sir Clarence was so amazed by the Argentinean picture llama that he bought several dozen and brought them back to England with him. They were the talk of London and were so popular, however, that Sir Clarence had to keep them all under lock and key at his estate for fear that someone would steal them. Unfortunately, a fire at Tippington Manor resulted in the death of the only 2 females that Sir Clarence had which prevented him from breeding them as was his plan.

The Argentinean picture llama became extinct somewhere around 1922 and Sir Clarence never had a chance to return to Argentina. However, due to Sir Clarence’s love of animals, we still use the phrase “the spitting image” to refer to a great likeness.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Kindergartners on the Playground

Tommy Jenkins: My Dad is the bestest Dad in the whole world. He changes the light bulb but he doesn’t need a ladder!

Sally Morgan: Nuh uh! My Dad is the bestest because he’s a doctor and does surgeries to people and makes them better!

Hando Matasuki: Well my Dad’s better cause he’s a ninja assassin and he can sneak up and kill people real quiet!

Tommy Jenkins: Yeah…well my Dad…he could kill people real quiet too if he wanted!

Hando Matasuki: Could not!

Tommy Jenkins: Could too!

Sally Morgan: My Dad…my Dad…hey! Dad is the best at sneaking!

Hando Matasuki: My Mom said that she saw your Dad at the grocery store and he wasn’t sneaking at all!

Sally Morgan: Yes he was! He was sneaking up on the tomatoes!

Tommy Jenkins: Why would he sneak up on tomatoes?

Hando Matasuki: Ninja assassins don’t even need tomatoes so there!

Bobby Horowitz: What are you guys talking bout?

Sally Morgan: Hando says that his Dad is the best cause he’s a ninja assassin and can sneak up and kill people real quiet and doesn’t need tomatoes but I said nuh uh that my Dad is the best cause he’s a doctor and he does surgeries to people but Tommy said that his Dad is the best cause he changes light bulbs and doesn’t use a ladder.

Bobby Horowitz: I’m gonna go play on the monkey bars.