Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Read the Riot Act

Have you ever heard about someone having someone else "read them the riot act"? From what I understand, this usually occurs during a heated exchange of words or verbal fight. It seems like a strange time to start reading legislation to someone. I mean, think about the last time you were having an argument with someone. Would it have helped you (or the other person for that matter) if one of you had, right in the middle of the yelling and screaming, all of a sudden whipped out the 1973 Endangered Species Act and started reading it?

You: Well you said that you would take care of it but when I came home there it was, still all over the floor!

Them: Don't judge me! I've had a really stressful week ok? Steve from Accounting took my parking spot EVERY SINGLE DAY this week and that has got me a little wound up!

You: So now it's MY fault that this Steve guy stole your parking spot? Don't take that out on me!

Them: It's just that I always try to tell you about my day and you always act like my problems are just so trivial! Well you're the one who's trivial!

You: Oh yeah? Well, according the Endangered Species Act of 1973

SEC. 2.16 U.S.C. 1531(a) FINDINGS.—The Congress finds
and declares that—
(1) various species of fish, wildlife, and plants in the
United States have been rendered extinct as a consequence of
economic growth and development untempered by adequate
concern and conservation;
(2) other species of fish, wildlife, and plants have been so
depleted in numbers that they are in danger of or threatened
with extinction;
(3) these species of fish, wildlife, and plants are of aesthetic,
ecological, educational, historical, recreational, and scientific
value to the Nation and its people;
(4) the United States has pledged itself as a sovereign
state in the international community to conserve to the extent
practicable the various species of fish or wildlife and plants
facing extinction, pursuant to—
(A) migratory bird treaties with Canada and Mexico;
(B) the Migratory and Endangered Bird Treaty with
(C) the Convention on Nature Protection and Wildlife
Preservation in the Western Hemisphere;
(D) the International Convention for the Northwest
Atlantic Fisheries;
(E) the International Convention for the High Seas
Fisheries of the North Pacific Ocean;
(F) the Convention on International Trade in Endangered
Species of Wild Fauna and Flora; and
(G) other international agreements; and
(5) encouraging the States and other interested parties,
through Federal financial assistance and a system of incentives,
to develop and maintain conservation programs which
meet national and international standards is a key to meeting
the Nation’s international commitments and to better safeguarding,
for the benefit of all citizens, the Nation’s heritage
in fish, wildlife, and plants.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

For Pete's Sake!

People must really love Pete. And Pete must champion a lot of causes. It's the only thing that makes sense because people are always telling people to do something for Pete's sake. Here are some instances in which people invoke Pete's name and the causes that he must support for the sentences to make sense.

"Just take out the trash for Pete's sake!"

Pete volunteers at the Coalition for Timely Waste Removal

"I wish you would quit calling me! For Pete's sake!"

Pete supports the Amicable Break Up League

"My car got broken into again? For Pete's sake!"

Pete sends annual donations to the RCBRA (Repeat Car Burglary Relief Association)

"Slowly place the gun on the ground and kick it over to me. Now turn around and put your hands behind your head. JUST DO IT YOU CRAZY CHIMP! FOR PETE'S SAKE!"

Pete helped to found the Wichita branch of MSHNoA (Monkey Standoff Hostage Negotiators of America)

Monday, September 28, 2009

3 Hours of Turning Left

If you hate NASCAR, does that make you a race-ist?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Hank Maximum: Meet Skip

Don't forget to vote on the right sidebar for what should happen next!

Hank pushed himself up on one elbow. He looked through the bars into the cell across the hall. Hank thought his mind was playing tricks on him. There, sitting in the cell opposite him, was the man in black from his dream. "Who are you?" Hank asked, still a little groggy.

"My name is Henry Glenview," he said, "But you can call me Skip, everyone does." Skip stood up and heaved a heavy sigh. "I told you not to let them find it," he said. Skip looked disapprovingly at Hank. "You're not doing a very good job of it so far," he said.

"First of all," Hank said, a bit surprised by Skip's tone, "How did you get into my dream? Second, how did you write on that newspaper? And third, how did you end up here?"

"Let's start with your third question first," Skip said. "It's the easiest. I ended up here because I was married to a lovely young girl named Sally. Sally MacCorkill."

"MacCorkill as in the lunatic that has us locked up in an underground jail while he hunts for the Loch Ness monster MacCorkill?" Hank asked.

"Yes," Skip said. "Larry is my brother-in-law."

"Larry!?!?" Hank asked. "That guy's first name is Larry?"

"Yes," Skip said. "You were expecting something else?"

"Well yeah," Hank said. "If a guy's got an elaborate illegal multi-national organization with an underground complex dedicated to finding the Loch Ness monster you'd expect him to have a more sinister first name like Victor or Vlad or Drakanus or something."

"Well it's Larry," Skip said. "To answer your second and first questions, I am a low level telepath. I can enter people's subconscious minds, but not their waking thoughts. I entered your mind while you slept to try and warn you about Larry, but it didn't work."

"Obviously," Hank said. "So why did Larry lock you up?"

"I'm afraid that I am somewhat responsible for Larry's bad behavior," Skip said. "You see, ever since I realized my ability, I have been searching for others like myself. I made the miscalculation of telling Larry about it. Larry used his connections in the business world to amass a large amount of ill gotten money and power. He then offered for me to help him with his mad quest to find the Loch Ness monster. When I turned him down, he locked me in here. I've been here for 2 years now. Once Larry captures and clones the abilities of the Loch Ness monster, he plans to do experiments on me to capture my ability as well. The only reason I'm alive is because he needs to capture Nessie first."

"Well," Hank said, "Let's figure a way to escape from here so that you don't have to become Larry's new guinea pig."

"I've tried to think of everything," Skip said. "I've given up hope." Skip sat down on his cot, a look of dejection on his face.

"Not everything," Hank said. Hank reached down and took off his shoe. He removed the sole and took out a small transmitter device. He pushed a tiny button on the side and returned the transmitter to his shoe.

"What was that?" Skip asked, a flicker of hope in his weary eyes.

"That was an emergency homing beacon," Hank said. "It calls for help when I'm in a jam. And from the looks of it, this is shaping up to be a doozy."

"Who does it call?" Skip asked, the eagerness showing in his voice.

"It calls the only person I would trust in a time like this," Hank said. "It calls...

1. My sister Tina

2. My dentist Carl

3. My stock broker Ike

Don't forget to vote on the right sidebar for what should happen next!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Direct Approach

Have you ever noticed that people go to great lengths to come up with witty and clever ways to tell people that they are less than intelligent? Here's a few examples:

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Your elevator doesn't go all the way up.

You're not playing with a full deck.

The problem with these one liners is that, if you are talking to someone who really is what you are saying they are, then they won't understand your clever little word game. So, the next time you want to tell a dumb person that they're dumb, try this approach.

1. Get their attention with something shiny

2. Quickly hide the shiny object and then make immediate eye contact

3. Grip the sides of their head with both hands to make them focus on you

4. Speaking slowly and loudly say, "YOU ARE STUPID!"

5. Repeat as necessary

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Fight Fire with Fire

Have you ever heard someone say that you should "fight fire with fire"? This strikes me as a bit strange. How does it makes sense to fight a force of destruction with that very same force of destruction? For example, let's say an emergency room doctor is trying to save the life of a man who has been shot several times. If you take the "fight fire with fire" logic then the medical strategy that the doctor should employ would to "fight bullets with bullets".

I just have a hard time imagining that scenario.

Nurse: He's flat lining! Doctor, what should we do?

Doctor: I'm not losing this one! We've got to fight bullets with bullets. Nurse, get me 50 CC's of hyperdoxatrin and a Glock stat.

Nurse: Here you go Doctor.

Doctor: Thank you nurse. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Call me crazy, but I think the phrase should be "fight fire with WATER".

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

All Good Things

They say that "all good things must come to an end"…but why is that? Let's examine this thought in detail.

The first word in the phrase is "All". That's pretty self explanatory.

However, the next word is kind of tricky. "Good". I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Okay, here we go," or "Well, I saw this coming,", but that's were you'd be wrong. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

Okay, now that we've got that cleared up, let's move on to the rest of phrase, "things must come to an end." It is true that "things must come to an end", but the end of what? The end of the line? The end of the road? The end of the railroad tracks? This is where things start to get a little confusing. Because not all good things will fit on a train. So, if all good things must come to an end of the railroad tracks, but they can't fit on a train to begin with, where does that leave us? I'll let you decide that one my friends. I'll let you decide.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Case of the Monday's

Has anyone ever asked you if you had a "case of the Mondays"? It has never happened to me personally, but I have heard of it happening to other people. Usually a person who asks if you have a "case of the Mondays" is one of those individuals who actually enjoys Mondays, specifically Monday mornings.

In the normal human brain, Monday morning is a time of sluggishness and slow functionality. This slow start is natures way of preventing us from doing too much too fast, kind of like when you stand up too fast and get light headed. People who enjoy Monday mornings, however, have an abnormally large part of their brain which causes them to ask stupid questions like if you have a "case of the Mondays"? These people can often be identified early in life as most are former teacher's pets or kiss-ups of some other variety. Personally, I think they should be shipped off the circus.

The best course of action is to avoid being asked if you have a "case of the Mondays" is to avoid such people until a sufficient amount of caffeine has kicked in so that you just don't care.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Hank Maximum: Healing Powers

As Hank crashed to the floor, MacCorkill stood over him and said, "I will find the Loch Ness monster and I will finally be able to clone its cells for their healing powers." Hank was woozy, but still conscious. He tried to steady himself and comprehend what McCorkill was saying. "Imagine it," McCorkill said, "A creature that has existed for thousands of years in a very limited and small eco-system. This creature must have amazing regenerative traits that allows it to heal itself over the years. If I can harness that ability, refine it, and make it work for humans, I will be the most powerful man in the world!"

I've got to stop him! Hank thought. Hank tried to stand, but the drugs coursing through his system caused his muscles to fail. Hank fell to the ground hard. McCorkill motioned to a few guards. They came over and picked Hank up. "Take him to a holding cell," McCorkill said.

The guards dragged Hank out of the nerve center of the underground station and down a hall way. They came to an elevator and got in. Hank was lucid enough to see them press the button for sub-level 8. Hank felt the elevator car jerk as they began to descend even further underground. When the elevator came to a halt, the guards dragged Hank into what appeared to be a prison level. They brought him to the first cell in a row of 3 and tossed him in.

Hank, weak from the drugs and the dog attack, passed out on the floor. When he awoke, what felt like hours later, he heard a voice. It was very small and sounded far away at first. But as Hank's eyes cleared, the voice began to get louder and more clear. "Hello over there?" it said. "Are you okay?"

Hank pushed himself up on one elbow. He looked through the bars into the cell across the hall. Hank thought his mind was playing tricks on him. It can't be, Hank thought. There, sitting in the cell opposite him, was...

1. The man in black from his dream

2. The curious cab driver

3. The receptionist from Prague

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Can't Beat'em? Join'em!

There was a time, not too long in our past, when people could just say whatever they wanted to because this is America. And while we still legally and technically have free speech, Political Correctness has made everyday conversation a minefield. You never know what phrase might offend what person. And while there certainly are inappropriate words, phrases, and topics of conversation in general, the whole PC thing has gotten out of hand. And since Political Correctness appears to be more than just a passing fad, I have decided to take an "If you can't beat'em, join'em" approach to the subject. From now on, I will personally be greatly offended by the following...

1. I will somehow find the phrase "go with the flow" religiously offensive.

2. I will find a way to make the word "fructose" have something to do with being a racial slur.

3. I will be outraged by any and all references to the number 367.

4. If you blink more than 26 times while engaging me in conversation, I will take that as a personal and intentional attack on my Irish/Italian/German heritage.

5. I will accuse you of sexism if you ever say the word "crunchy".

6. It will be an unforgivable insult to refer to me as "inquisitive".

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Doctors Need More Practice

When you get a shot from a doctor (or nurse cause nurses give shots sometimes too, I know cause I've seem them do it), they always say, "You're going to feel a little pinch." I have a problem with this because you don't feel a little pinch, you feel a little stab.

So, if doctors (and nurses too) are dishonest about this small detail, what else are they being dishonest about? What about when you're told, "The doctor will see you now"? That's almost never the case. The doctor will actually see you about 7.62 minutes from when you're told "The doctor will see you now." And even though it's not outright lying, all doctors (and also nurses) are very misleading when they tell you test results. They'll tell you something's positive when it is the worst news ever. Or they'll tell you that something's negative when it will actually make you happy to hear it. I know that doctor's take that Hipp-o-matic oath to "do no harm", but maybe they should throw something about honesty in there too. I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The $0,000 Blogfan Challenge!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Daily Motivational Thought and the My Older Brothers blogs are proud to present…

The $0,000 Blogfan Challenge!

For all you devoted readers out there, here’s a little treat. Over the next few weeks, be on the look out for clues. You’ll have to visit both blogs to find all the clues. The first person to correctly decipher the clues will win their choice of a year’s magazine subscription!


  • Find and follow all the clues.
  • Do not ask for additional hints or help from us cause that's cheating. (However, we do have a Cash 4 Clues program in which you give us each a $100 bill and we'll give you an extra hint.)
  • Family members of the organizers are welcome to play, but can not win. (That would be like Simon Cowell’s kid winning American Idol.)
  • Have fun!
Grand Prize: Winner can choose a year's subscription from the following magazines:
  • Redbook
  • Better Homes and Gardens
  • Parents Magazine
  • Ladies Home Journal
  • Traditional Home
  • Good House Keeping
  • Wired Magazine
  • House Beautiful
  • Popular Mechanics
  • Country Living
  • Smart Money
  • Golf Digest
  • Self
  • Body and Soul
  • Everyday Food
  • Town and Country
  • Entertainment Weekly
  • Bon Appetit
  • Veranda
  • Martha Stewart Weddings

Consolation Prizes: A warm fuzzy feeling that you tried your best.

Let the challenge begin!

Monday, September 14, 2009


Other things LOL could stand for. There's lots of them!

1. Left Over Lasagna

2. Land O Lakes

3. Little Old Lady

4. League Of Lawyers

5. Lawnmowers Of Louisiana

6. List Of Laundry

7. Leaning On Lampposts

8. Looking Over Lists

9. Lots Of Lettuce

10. Lessons Of Life

So next time someone includes "LOL" in a text or email, ask them if they are in a League of Lawyers and see what their reaction is.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Lost in Translation

For people who are learning the English language, TV can be a good source of English being used in everyday situations. Programming like sit-coms and documentaries can often help non-English speakers learn. However, non-English speakers should not try to learn English by listening to the announcers on almost any major sporting event. For some reason, sports announcers use an almost incoherent mish-mash of seemingly random words to describe the events taking place on the field, court, and/or rink. Sometimes they make up words on the spot in their efforts to describe the action. The following are particularly confusing sports terms/phrases:

Sports Speak: "He's money in the clutch."

Literal Translation: "He is exchangeable currency in the gear shifting mechanism."

Actual Meaning: "He performs well under pressure."

Sports Speak: "He's dropping bombs from downtown."

Literal Translation: "He is dropping explosive devices from the middle of the city."

Actual Meaning: "He is making lots of long range shots."

Sports Speak: "He just got posterized!"

Literal Translation: "Someone made a poster out of him."

Actual Meaning: "Someone just accomplished such an amazing feat of skill and athleticism that it could be made into a poster. The poster, while highlighting the great play on the part of the offensive player, would in an equal fashion, embarrass or cause shame to the player who was outplayed. Hence, getting 'posterized', is not a good thing. However, for the one doing the 'posterizing', it is a very good thing.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Another Problem with Math

Another problem I have with math (pun very much intended) is when there start to be more letters involved than numbers. This usually happens somewhere around high school. They'll write out some big long thing on the board, consisting mostly of the letters a, b, x, and y, and tell you to solve it, knowing full well you just came back from lunch and are almost comatose because the room is so warm and your stomach is full.

And if you ever try to reason with your math teacher and say, "When am I ever going to need this in my real life? Nobody ever uses this type of stuff," your teacher will say something like "I use it everyday." Well of course they use it everyday! They have to teach it everyday! And that big long mess of alphabet soup on the board? The answer is always zero. That bugs me. I mean, where else can you do all that work, have nothing to show for it, and then be praised for your production of zero-ness?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Hank Maximum: The Underground Staircase

Hank hesitated for a moment. This could be a trap, he thought. But then again, my mission details did send me here. Hank stepped into the tool shed and found a spiral staircase leading underground. Hank quickly descended the stairs and soon found himself in what appeared to be a scientific research center, full of people and monitors.

"Mr. Maximum," MacCorkill said, gesturing at the banks of computers and machinery. "Welcome to my office."

"What is it that you do?" Hank asked, still favoring his dog bitten arm.

MacCorkill motioned to Hank and someone brought over a first aid kit and began to work on Hank's arm. "This is where we observe any activity our scopes pick up," he said. "From here, we can detect the smallest movement or sound or change in thermal density."

"What are you observing?" Hank asked as a bandage was applied to his arm. "What are you trying to detect?"

"Do you know the Scottish word for 'lake' Mr. Maximum?" MacCorkill asked.

"It's 'loch' I believe," Hank replied, still a bit puzzled. "You're observing a lake? I didn't see any lakes around here."

"This is a remote listening station," MacCorkill replied. "The loch we're observing is kilometers away in the Highlands."

Hank froze. The dog attack had frazzled his mind, but all the pieces were starting to fall into place. Scotland, lake, observation post, the Highlands. "No..." Hank whispered to himself. He looked up to see MacCorkill staring at him. It was obvious that MacCorkill realized that Hank had figured it out.

"Yes Mr. Maximum," he said. "We have several underwater detection devices in Loch Ness. And now that I have recently purchased a new experimental microchip from an associate of mine in Prague, I anticipate that success will soon be within my grasp."

Hank's mind was reeling. MacCorkill was the one on the tape! Hank thought. He bought the microchip from Stavich and now he's using it in Loch Ness to try to find the Loch Ness monster! All of a sudden Hank remembered his dream in which the mysterious man in black had said, "Don't let them find it!" Hank tried to stand, but found his vision was blurring and his legs felt numb. The first aid! Hank realized that the person giving him first aid had applied a drug patch to his arm. As Hank crashed to the floor, MacCorkill stood over him and said, "I will find the Loch Ness monster and I will finally be able to..."

1. Clone its cells for their healing powers

2. Add its head to my collection of rare animals

3. Rid the world of a monster

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Dream of Ninjas

I dreamed a dream of ninjas, of throwing stars and swords

There were so many ninjas that they could be called a horde

They were sneaking in the shadows, they were lurking in the dark

They were waiting for the moment when they could kill their mark

Their swords were sharp as razor blades and their minds were sharper still

For a ninja is a person who is trained from birth to kill

But then the dream got really weird and the ninjas began to sing

In perfect 4 part harmony, songs from “The Lion King”

Then all of a sudden I was at the dentist and my teeth were being cleaned

And I didn’t have dental insurance so I had to pay them with sardines

But when I walked out of the dentist, I realized I was at the zoo

I was sitting in the front row watching a performing kangaroo

And then a ninja jumped out of the kangaroo’s pouch and we began to fight!

He punched at me and I kicked at him and I fought with all my might!

And then I woke up sweating all tangled in the covers

I had one of my pillows in a head lock and had ripped apart the other

I dreamed a dream of ninjas and my linens paid the price

I wonder why our minds freak out when we go to sleep at night?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Curiosity Killed the Cat

They say that curiosity killed the cat. And it’s true. Curiosity has killed many a cat. But what most people don’t know is that below the surface of this seemingly common place phrase, there is a vast conspiracy.

It is no secret that cats and dogs are mortal enemies. No one can remember which side started the feud, but both sides remain firmly entrenched in their war. The cats enjoyed a great deal of success in the ancient world, having convinced many cultures (most notably the Egyptians) that they were divine creatures. As time passed, cats and dogs fought each other almost to a standstill in many rural areas. The dogs claimed victory on many farms for their assistance with herding sheep. However, many cats will claim that if they had not kept the houses and barns free of mice, most farms would have been overrun by rodents.

The dogs began to gain ground, however, as the world began to undergo the Industrial Revolution. But it wasn’t until the last year of the Second World War that the dogs set their most successful campaign against the cats into motion.

As the eyes of the world were focused on the War, the dogs capitalized on that distraction. Several special ops canine units infiltrated the top secret military research facilities of the world. The dogs were looking specifically for experimental research and in Norway they found what would become their greatest weapon against the cats: a mind control drug.

The dogs destroyed all records of the drug and took the formula. They then began to modify the mind control drug to induce curiosity. Once the dogs had fully perfected their curiosity drug, they began to secretly sneak it into all of the major brands of cat food on the market. So, for decades now, dogs everywhere have just let the human world believe that curiosity killed the cat.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fun with Sports Cards

Recently I was about to throw away a box of worthless old sports cards when I realized that while my cards held no monetary value, many of them provided a source of hilarity that can only come from high school jocks turned pro.

The Mullet

While most of us remember the Mullet as a feature of the 1980's, my old sports cards collection has proven that the Mullet was still a die hard staple of Major League Baseball hairdo's well into the 1990's.

Nothing says, "I'm going to strike you out!" like a blonde hair tail flapping in the breeze.

I don't know what disturbs me more: the huge mullet creeping down Mitch's neck or the creepy shadow serial killer looking guy standing just behind him. Let's hope that the serial killer is one of Mitch's parents or teachers because then maybe they won't kill him.