Mafia Advice Column with Joey Blambino

[Assuming people send their dilemmas (real or made-up) to joeyblambino@gmail.com, the Mafia Advice Column will be featured on the DMT every Tuesday.]

Joey Blambino holds a degree from the School of Hard Knocks, is a member of the PTA at his daughter's school, and is an all around wiseguy. Joey's years as a respected mob enforcer have given him a unique perspective on life. In his column, Joey shares his one-of-a-kind advice on everything from raising children to financial strategy to breaking kneecaps.

Dear Joey,

Just recently, there was a lightning strike at my house. The lightning strike fried my Xbox and I don't when or if I can get it replaced. What should I do?

Grieving Gamer

GG,

My kid nephew got one of them Xbox video games machines for his birthdays last summer. Three weeks he had it and it went dead on him on account of him spilling soda all over it. Seein’ as how it was his fault and all, those jerks over at Microsoft wouldn’t replace it for him. So I’m gonna tell you what I told him, so listen up.

Go down to pier 19 and find this mook called Freddy the Fish. This guy’s got a truck full of stolen electronics that he needs to move. Tell him I sent you and he’ll give you anything you ask for.

Joey

Legal Copy: All advice given in the Mafia Advice Column is for entertainment purposes only. Do not actually do what Joey says or you'll probably go to jail.

Filthy Rich

Have you ever heard of someone being “filthy rich”. This makes no sense to me. It would seem that people who have loads of money could, at the very least, afford to purchase the sanitation supplies and/or equipment to be hygienically clean rich. And most people who fall into the “filthy rich” category could most likely afford to hire a cleaning crew to ensure that the aforementioned filth wasn’t a problem. I know that there are services which provide people to clean and maintain landscaping and home exteriors. There are also services which provide care for everything on the interior of a house: kitchen, bathrooms, laundry, even pet grooming.

But what about the problem of filth being all over these rich people? Are there services to handle that? And if so, what do they cost? What is the going rate to have someone come over and brush your teeth for you? Or remove the earwax from your ears?

But perhaps the most pressing question in this whole dilemma is not how to remove the filth from the rich people but where is this filth coming from in the first place? Are rich folks going swimming in the sewers? Are they rolling around in compost piles? Are they wrestling entire herds of skunks? If anyone knows the answer, please tell me!

Hank Maximum: The Man from Scotland

The vote on last week's Hank Maximum was the closest yet with the choice being decided by just 1 vote! Make sure to vote for your choice of what should happen next on the right side bar!

"I sold the microchip yesterday," Stavich said. "I did not know the man, only that he had traveled a very long way to come to Prague to buy the microchip. He said he was from Scotland."

Hank thought for a moment, his teddy bear hostage still in his hand. “How do I know you’re telling the truth Stavich?” Hank asked.

“I have it all on video,” Stavich said, still looking uneasy that Hank was threatening his stuffed animal. “Please, do not hurt my teddy and I will show you the tape.” Stavich walked to the cat walk’s ladder and began to slowly climb down. Hank cautiously kept his gun trained on Stavich, ready for any surprises. However, when Stavich reached the floor he said, “Please follow me to the surveillance room and I will show you everything you want to see.”

Hank followed Stavich deeper into the back of the warehouse and into a room in which one wall was covered with monitors. Stavich sat down in the vacant chair and brought up the footage as he had promised. The video quality was a little grainy, but the audio was clear. The video showed Stavich and a man in a suit sitting in an office talking.

Stavich: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person. Communicating only through anonymous emails can be tiresome Mr. …?
Gunn: For the purposes of this meeting you may call me Mr. Gunn. Do you have the microchip?
Stavich: Very well Mr. Gunn. [pulls a small black case from beneath his desk] It’s right here. And my money?
Gunn: It has been transferred to the account number you provided.
Stavich: [checks computer screen, smiles, and slides the case across the desk] Very good Mr. Gunn. It’s a pleasure doing business with you. [both men stand, Stavich opens a drawer and extends a bear to Gunn] Can I interest you in one of my fine teddy bears Mr. Gunn? They are the finest in the world.
Gunn: [takes the bear and looks it over] This is a fine bear Mr. Stavich. But the finest teddy bears in the world come from my Scotland.

Stavich ended the video and looked up at Hank. “As you can see, Mr. Gunn (if that’s his real name) bought the microchip, just as I said. Now please, do not hurt my teddy.”

Hank placed the bear on the desk and then handcuffed Stavich to a water pipe. Hank then took out his cell phone and dialed a number. “This is Hank Maximum…I’ve captured Stavich, but the microchip is headed to Scotland with someone using the name ‘Mr. Gunn’…Yes sir, I’ll head to Scotland right away…Of course sir."

END CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

As Hank's plane touched down in Scotland the sun was setting. Hank caught a taxi and told the driver where his hotel was. As they drove, the cab driver struck up a conversation. "What brings you to Scotland?" he asked.

"I'm here on vacation," Hank said, using his standard cover story.

The cab driver eyed Hank through the rear view mirror. "I've been driving a cab for over 20 years," he said, "and you're not on vacation. The suit, the small suitcase, the tired look on your face. You're here on a business trip."

Hank, slightly annoyed that the cab driver had seen through his cover story so easily, said, "Look just get me to my hotel okay?"

"Whatever you say," the cab driver said.

A few moments later they reached Hank's hotel. Hank checked in under the fake name Waldo McDunkervan and took the elevator up to his room. As Hank walked into his room a flicker of movement caught his eye. Reacting instinctively, Hank whipped his pistol out and took aim. Hank found himself pointing his gun at...

1. A large cat.
2. A mysterious man in black.
3. A curtain blowing in the breeze.

Dracula at the Bank

Dracula: "I don't see why I should have to pay this overdraft fee. I have your No Overdraft Worries option on my checking account. Shouldn't that protect me from having to pay this overdraft fee?"

Teller: "No sir, it doesn't work that way. The No Overdraft Worries option only protects you from overdrafts themselves, not from overdraft fees. You still owe the $35 for the overdraft fee."

Dracula: "That doesn't make any sense. If I am protected from overdrafts themselves, how did I overdraft in the first place to have to pay this overdraft fee? Do you see what I'm saying?"

Teller: "Yes sir, I understand you. However, that is not the way the No Overdraft Worries option works. The No Overdraft Worries option only protects you from overdrafts themselves, not from overdraft fees. You still owe the $35 for the overdraft fee."

Dracula: "That's exactly what you just said. You just repeated yourself. Look, can I talk to your manager? I want to talk to someone who can do something for me."

Teller: "The manager is at lunch right now, he'll be back at 1:00. Would you like to wait for him?"

Dracula: "No, I have a dentist appointment at 1:30. I'll just come back later."

Now, have you been paying close attention? What is wrong with this scenario?

Super Hero Horiscopes

CAPRICORN - (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Your ice blast powers will come in handy when your house catches on fire. Don’t forget to file your taxes on time. A chance encounter with your auto-mechanic will lead to passion. Don’t doubt yourself. There is more to happiness than Hot Pockets.

AQUARIUS - (Jan 20 - Feb 18) The ability to breathe underwater does not make you exempt from the laws of etiquette. You have a problem with invading other people’s personal space. Remember quality is sometimes better than quantity. And sometimes it’s not. Be aware of lawyers who have bad breath. A member of your family will eat chicken sometime this year.

PISCES - (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Your super-strength will save the day when you lift a tractor trailer off the road, unclogging a nightmarish traffic jam on the freeway. Other than that, everyone hates you.

ARIES - (Mar 21 - April 19)
With your x-ray vision, you should know better than anyone that you should quit smoking. Keep in mind that a mirror only reflects what’s in front of it. Don’t be discouraged if you fail. Only quitters quit. Take time to treat yourself to a guilty pleasure now and then. Avoid Post-It notes at all costs.

TAURUS - (April 20 - May 20) Use your mind reading ability carefully. Reading minds in an insane asylum could be disastrous. Ask out that person you’ve come to have feelings for. Don’t take no for an answer. Practice your penmanship by writing down the lyrics to “Gangster’s Paradise” by Coolio 1,000 times in a row. Express your inner gazelle.

GEMINI - (May 21 - June 20) Telekinesis is cool but it will not win you that coveted part in “Fiddler on the Roof”. Practice your lines by learning them in Klingon pig-Latin. Don’t allow the attitudes of others to affect you. Keeping your eye on the prize can cause blindness if the prize is a nail, knife, pencil or other sharp object. Count to 63.

CANCER - (June 21 - July 22)
Teleportation will only get you so far in life. Eventually you’ll have to get a real job. Don’t trust anyone who wears clogs. Now is the time to invest in an ice cream truck. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your ant farm closest. Things will improve after they get worse. Allow fate to bring the remote control to you in its own way.

LEO - (July 23 - Aug 22)
In a perfect world, your ability to become invisible would be the answer to all of life’s questions. Unfortunately you live here. Milk is not an effective anti-tank weapon. Examine all offers made to you via Morse code as they may be scams. It is in your best interests to interest others in your best interests. Your grammar is atrocious. Never use the bathroom at an Arby’s.

VIRGO - (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Your newly acquired sonic scream will back fire when you talk in your sleep and destroy the apartment above yours. Bronzed seagulls do not make suitable wedding gifts unless expressly registered for. Never let the man get you down. You are a beautiful flower with limitless potential. Just don’t mess it up. Always sing the tenor part of “The Macarena” while driving to work.

LIBRA - (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Super speed does not make up for your lack of good hygiene. While in line at the grocery store, someone will speak to you of political unrest. If an opportunity to bet on sports comes up, always go with the underdog. Your true feelings about puppets will come to light when your uncle leaves you his collection of marionettes in his will. You should always have something to fall back on.

SCORPIO - (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
While your heat vision makes for a great ice breaker (pun very much intended) at parties, it also makes it impossible to tell if you have a fever or not. Call every dog pound in the state of Vermont and ask them if they’ve seen the movie “All Dogs Go to Heaven”. Feel free to express your emotions through interpretive dance. Not everyone who needs your help is willing to ask for it. Choose one day of the week to only communicate by screaming and stick to it.

SAGITTARIUS - (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Overpowering B.O. is a really lame super power, but it’s better than nothing. Keep a close watch on your money. If you are feeling blue try painting yourself red. Avoid restaurants that serve calamari. Your emotions are who you are at the core. Don’t allow a rainy day to ruin your life. Order from the drive-thru in a made up gibberish language. Keep up the hard work and it will pay off.

Mafia Advice Column with Joey Blambino

The DMT would like to introduce its latest feature: the Mafia Advice Column with Joey "Blah Blah" Blambino.

Joey Blambino holds a degree from the School of Hard Knocks, is a member of the PTA at his daughter's school, and is an all around wiseguy. Joey's years as a respected mob enforcer have given him a unique perspective on life. In his column, Joey shares his one-of-a-kind advice on everything from raising children to financial strategy to breaking kneecaps.

Dear Joey,
My son Quincy won't do his chores. His mother and I have tried everything. We've taken away his GameBoy and even grounded him. But he still won't do his chores. He just comes home from school everyday and plops down on the couch with his nose in a book. I'm glad he enjoys reading, but he needs to learn responsibility too. What can I do?

Frustrated Father

FF,
Sounds to me like you got a punk kid what needs to learn some manners. You should do what my old man did for me: a good smack upside the head! After a few of those, Quincy will go from a bookworm to your own personal butler. Fuggedaboutit!

Joey

To get Joey's advice on your problems, email him at: joeyblambino@gmail.com

I know some of you are thinking that the email address is fake. Why don't you try it and find out?

Legal Copy: All advice given in the Mafia Advice Column is for entertainment purposes only. Do not actually do what Joey says or you'll probably go to jail.

Snow Cones

Summer time means many different things to many different people. One of the things it means is snow cones. Snow cones, unlike their older cousins ice cream and frozen yogurt, do not get the same respect that other chilled treats do. They are only available during 1 season of the year. And the places that they are available are tiny temporary roadside shacks (often on wheels), that are barley big enough to fit a person in. Ice cream and frozen yogurt have entire, permanent, national store chains devoted to them, but not snow cones. Why, you ask? The answer is simple: flavors and flavor names.

Here's an example. Go to almost any roadside snow cone business and you will find that you can order a Tiger's Blood snow cone. First of all, since tigers are on the endangered species list, I'm pretty sure that hunting and killing a tiger so that you can put it's blood into a summer time drink is probably illegal. Secondly, the health concerns of drinking the blood of a tiger are many. So many that I won't go into all of them here.

And there are other similar flavors out there. Like Bahama Mama for instance. I find it hard to believe that with this cannibalistic flavor, more people in the Bahama's aren't taking precautions to guard their mothers.

And as lax as the Snow Cone Flavor Approval Association is with flavors and flavors names, there are some that have not been approved. Here are a few examples of snow cone flavors that did not make the cut.

Sugar Booger- just what it sounds like, a mixture of sugar and boogers
Rattle Snake Venom- test cases for this flavor sent most subjects to the hospital
Mustard Mushroom Mango- just plain gross
Roadkill- while popular with roadside snow cone stand operators due to it's low cost, the focus groups did not respond well to this flavor for some reason