Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Super Hero Horiscopes

CAPRICORN - (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Your ice blast powers will come in handy when your house catches on fire. Don’t forget to file your taxes on time. A chance encounter with your auto-mechanic will lead to passion. Don’t doubt yourself. There is more to happiness than Hot Pockets.

AQUARIUS - (Jan 20 - Feb 18) The ability to breathe underwater does not make you exempt from the laws of etiquette. You have a problem with invading other people’s personal space. Remember quality is sometimes better than quantity. And sometimes it’s not. Be aware of lawyers who have bad breath. A member of your family will eat chicken sometime this year.

PISCES - (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Your super-strength will save the day when you lift a tractor trailer off the road, unclogging a nightmarish traffic jam on the freeway. Other than that, everyone hates you.

ARIES - (Mar 21 - April 19)

With your x-ray vision, you should know better than anyone that you should quit smoking. Keep in mind that a mirror only reflects what’s in front of it. Don’t be discouraged if you fail. Only quitters quit. Take time to treat yourself to a guilty pleasure now and then. Avoid Post-It notes at all costs.

TAURUS - (April 20 - May 20) Use your mind reading ability carefully. Reading minds in an insane asylum could be disastrous. Ask out that person you’ve come to have feelings for. Don’t take no for an answer. Practice your penmanship by writing down the lyrics to “Gangster’s Paradise” by Coolio 1,000 times in a row. Express your inner gazelle.

- (May 21 - June 20) Telekinesis is cool but it will not win you that coveted part in “Fiddler on the Roof”. Practice your lines by learning them in Klingon pig-Latin. Don’t allow the attitudes of others to affect you. Keeping your eye on the prize can cause blindness if the prize is a nail, knife, pencil or other sharp object. Count to 63.

CANCER - (June 21 - July 22)

Teleportation will only get you so far in life. Eventually you’ll have to get a real job. Don’t trust anyone who wears clogs. Now is the time to invest in an ice cream truck. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your ant farm closest. Things will improve after they get worse. Allow fate to bring the remote control to you in its own way.

LEO - (July 23 - Aug 22)

In a perfect world, your ability to become invisible would be the answer to all of life’s questions. Unfortunately you live here. Milk is not an effective anti-tank weapon. Examine all offers made to you via Morse code as they may be scams. It is in your best interests to interest others in your best interests. Your grammar is atrocious. Never use the bathroom at an Arby’s.

VIRGO - (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Your newly acquired sonic scream will back fire when you talk in your sleep and destroy the apartment above yours. Bronzed seagulls do not make suitable wedding gifts unless expressly registered for. Never let the man get you down. You are a beautiful flower with limitless potential. Just don’t mess it up. Always sing the tenor part of “The Macarena” while driving to work.

LIBRA - (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

Super speed does not make up for your lack of good hygiene. While in line at the grocery store, someone will speak to you of political unrest. If an opportunity to bet on sports comes up, always go with the underdog. Your true feelings about puppets will come to light when your uncle leaves you his collection of marionettes in his will. You should always have something to fall back on.

SCORPIO - (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

While your heat vision makes for a great ice breaker (pun very much intended) at parties, it also makes it impossible to tell if you have a fever or not. Call every dog pound in the state of Vermont and ask them if they’ve seen the movie “All Dogs Go to Heaven”. Feel free to express your emotions through interpretive dance. Not everyone who needs your help is willing to ask for it. Choose one day of the week to only communicate by screaming and stick to it.

SAGITTARIUS - (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Overpowering B.O. is a really lame super power, but it’s better than nothing. Keep a close watch on your money. If you are feeling blue try painting yourself red. Avoid restaurants that serve calamari. Your emotions are who you are at the core. Don’t allow a rainy day to ruin your life. Order from the drive-thru in a made up gibberish language. Keep up the hard work and it will pay off.

1 comment:

  1. Easily the best post so far! Incredible!

    I am Gemini, I have counted to 63 and noted the dangers in sharp objects, but I just can't quite master the Klingon pig-latin.