Hank Maximum: Crates Full of Teddy Bears

Hank looked down into an open crate. It was filled with teddy bears. Hank looked over at his prisoner. “What’s with all the teddy bears?” he asked. “Are there hand grenades hidden inside the bears? Are they full of drugs?” The guard just stared at Hank defiantly. Hank asked again, “I said what’s in the bears? Is it stolen credit card information? Secret recipes for how to make brand name candy at home?” The guard remained silent. “TELL ME WHAT’S IN THE BEARS!!!” Hank roared.

“The bears, Mr. Maximum,” a voice said from up above, “are filled with stuffing.”

Hank looked up to see a man standing on a cat walk high above the warehouse floor. He was average height and weight and would have looked completely normal if it weren’t for the fact that where his left ear should have been was a terrible scar. Hank recognized him immediately. “Stavich,” he muttered. Hank quickly grabbed the guard and ducked behind a stack of crates in case Stavich started shooting. He found some wire next to a crate and tied up his prisoner. Then he looked back over the crates. Stavich was still standing on the cat walk, looking down. Hank called up to him, “I’m just here for the microchip Stavich. Just hand it over and I’ll recommend you serve reduced jail time.”

Stavich kept talking about the bears, completely ignoring Hank’s offer. “Most teddy bears are filled with rubbish. Simple cotton or wool or some other common material. But not my bears. My bears are filled with only the best 100% pure imported Japanese silk.” Stavich began walking back and forth on the cat walk as he continued speaking. “Their seams are hand stitched by master bear makers using techniques passed down for generations. Not like the mass produced, machine made monstrosities that are sold in your large American department stores.”

Hank was confused. Why does he keep talking about the bears? he wondered. Is he trying to distract me while more of his guards sneak up on me from behind? Hank looked behind him, but there was no sneak attack. Stavich was still yammering overhead about only using imported ivory for the buttons on his teddy bears. Hank had an idea. He reached into an open crate and pulled out a bear. "Hey Stavich!" Hank yelled. Stavich stopped talking and looked down at Hank. Hank hoisted the bear above his head and said, "Hand over the microchip or I'll shoot your precious teddy bear!"

Stavich looked pained for a moment, but quickly composed himself. "As much as I hate to do it," Stavich said, "I can not give you the microchip. I know you will most likely shoot my teddy, but I can not give you what I no longer have."

"What are you talking about?" Hank asked.

"I sold the microchip yesterday," Stavich said. "I did not know the man, only that he had traveled a very long way to come to Prague to buy the microchip. He said he was from..."

1. Japan
2. Scotland
3. Alaska

Ducks in a Row

People say that they need to get their "ducks in a row". But, most of the people who say that, I don't think they even own any ducks at all. So, if someone tells you they need to get their "ducks in a row", but they don't own any ducks, what does that make them? Either a liar or a crazy person. I would hesitate to trust anyone who would lie about imaginary ducks. And if they think that the ducks are actually there, well, that make's their judgment suspect in my book. So, there you have it. Imaginary ducks. You decide.

It's the Thought that Counts

Have you ever received a gift from a long distance relative (or even a close distance relative) that was less than thrilling? You know what I mean, those ugly brown socks that go with nothing or a set of decorative ceramic leprechauns. Whenever that happened to me growing up, my parents would say "it's the thought that counts".

But what I want to know is how do you know the thoughts of the person who has bought you a lame gift? Because they don't write their thoughts on the card. It would be much easier if they did. It would be easier to know if the thought really is what counts if the card said something like:

Dear Marvin,

I know you really wanted a new baseball glove for your birthday, however, I am too cheap to spend $20 on my only nephew. I hope that this box of dead leaves I raked up in my yard is close enough.

Uncle Theo

P.S. I want the box the leaves came in back. It is not part of the gift. Please mail it back to me.

If this was the case, then you would be able to say that the thought, in fact, is NOT what counts.

Tim the Urban Panda

Tim the Urban Panda lives in a loft downtown
He digs the bright city lights, he digs those city sounds

He doesn’t own a car, he uses public transportation
Like the bus or the subway, to reach his destination

Tim the Urban Panda doesn’t have a wife
He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he is alone in life

He works for a small publisher, printing direct mail flyers
He used be a paralegal but last summer he got fired

Tim the Urban Panda has a laptop PC
His TV is a flat screen, he likes to play the Wii

He met a girl this morning, he wants to ask her out
But besides “What’s it like being a panda?” there’s not much to talk about

Tim the Urban Panda likes jazz and R & B
But when it comes to hip hop he says, "Nah, it's not for me."

He reads comics books and cereal boxes, he can't live without espresso
And if you ask him if he's an omnivore he'll say, "I don't know. I guess so."

Tim the Urban Panda you inspire us one and all
With your quiet self assurance and your skills at racquetball

You make us want to discover our secret strength within
So Tim the Urban Panda, here's to you my friend!

Nice Guys Finish Last

I'm sure you've all heard that nice guys finish last. And it's true. If you are nice and you are a guy, then you will finish last. Mean guys will finish ahead of nice guys. Also, all girls and/or women will finish ahead of guys who are nice.

For instance, if a nice guy is standing in the check out line at the grocery store and an old lady comes up, he will do the nice guy thing and let her go ahead of him. But where does that place him in line? Last.

So, it's pretty much hopeless for the nice guys, right? Wrong. The trick for nice guys is to find a girl to associate themselves with. If a nice guy is dating/married to a girl, then, by association, he will finish wherever she finishes. Let's revisit our grocery store example, but this time, our nice guy is with his girlfriend in line. The old lady walks up, but this time, the nice guy doesn't have to let her cut in line, because his girlfriend is already in line in front of him. Therefore, because the nice guy has another female with him, the old lady female is cancelled out and the nice guy does not have go to the back of the line. When a nice guy ceases being a him and becomes half of a them, he will no longer suffer under the "nice guys finish last" curse.

Of course, the other way for guys to avoid being last is to just be mean. So, the choice for guys who do not want to finish last is either get a girlfriend or be a jerk to old ladies.

Imaginary Individuals Inc.

Today's Bonus Saturday post was featured when I guest posted on the My Older Brothers blog. Enjoy!

Santa: Let this meeting of the Imaginary Individuals Inc. Board of Directors be called to order. Easter Bunny, please read the minutes from our last meeting.
Easter Bunny: At the last meeting we settled the issues of employee vacation allotment (no more than 2 consecutive weeks per calendar year) as well as Santa's elves' union problem. We tabled the issue of the Tooth Fairy's expense reports until this meeting.
Santa: Thank you Easter Bunny. Before we proceed to new business, let's get this expense report issue settled shall we? Tooth Fairy, could you please summarize your position for the record?
Tooth Fairy: My point is that, due to inflation and the state of the economy, I don't think that I should have to pay for each tooth completely out of my own pocket. I think that the cost per tooth should be shared between me and I.I. Inc. Corporate.
Santa: Thank you, Tooth Fairy. Let's open this issue for discussion. Agreements? Oppositions?
Big Foot: Personally, I think that it's just the cost of doing business. I don't see any reason why the rest of our profits should suffer to help the Tooth Fairy. I've lived off the land in the forest for years and I've never asked for a hand out.
Tooth Fairy: First of all, Big Foot, I've been to your “forest home” and I wouldn't call your underground, state-of-the-art mansion “living off the land”. Second, when you consider that the cost per tooth can range from a quarter to $10,000 for some of these rich kids, it's about more than just my paycheck here. It's about a pillar of this institution being in a fatal downward spiral.
Boogie Man: I agree with Big Foot. It's been a while since my division was in the black and it would put a pretty heavy strain on our budget to have to divert part of our funds to help the Tooth Fairy. Tooth Fairy, we go way back, so please don't take it personally. This is purely a business decision.
Frosty the Snowman: How about some sort of compromise? Here's what I suggest: the Tooth Fairy will pay, from his own division's budget, for 100% of all teeth up to $5.00 per tooth. For every tooth exceeding $5.00, I.I. Inc. corporate will share the cost with the Tooth Fairy use a sliding scale. Also, for special cases in which a tooth exceeds $2,000, I.I. Inc. corporate will pay for 80%. Does that work for everybody?
Tooth Fairy: I think it's a start, but…
Big Foot: A start!?! What more do you want?
Tooth Fairy: What about playground fights, car wrecks, and/or other instances in which a kids loses multiple teeth? Those aren't addressed in Frosty’s plan. I think…
Santa: Gentlemen, I've got a 2 o'clock tee time at Pebble Beach today, so we're going to have to wrap this up. Let's tentatively proceed with Frosty’s compromise and we'll work out the details via email. Meeting dismissed.

Hank Maximum: Flying Kung Fu Chop

As she spoke, three very large men with assault rifles burst into the room. Thinking quickly, Hank attacked the first guard with a flying kung fu chop. As Hank's chop connected with the guard's face, blood blossomed from the guard's nose. The guard dropped his rifle and fell backwards. The other two guards, however, both took aim at Hank and fired. Just as they pulled their triggers, Hank dropped and rolled to the side, grabbing the first guard's assault rifle. As Hank surfaced from his roll, he opened fire with the assault rifle. BHRAKKA! BHRAKKA! BHRAKKA! BHRAKKA! The two guards fell to the floor, dead.

Hank took a quick survey of the room. Two of the guards were dead, the third just regaining consciousness. Hank looked behind him and saw the receptionist lying in a pool of blood and paper clips. She had been hit when the guards opened fire on Hank. What a shame, Hank thought.

Hank walked over to the groaning guard, jerked him to his feet, and spun him around. Hank shoved the end of his assault rifle into the guard's back and said, "You're going to take me to Stavich or you'll end up like your buddies on the floor." Hank marched the still dazed guard through the doors that the guards had entered from. It lead down a long hallway with a set of double doors at the end. As they approached the double doors, Hank noticed that they were locked with a retina eye scanner. Hank stopped and said to the guard, "Unlock the eye scanner."

The guard spat blood on the floor. "I will not help you!" he said with a sneer. Hank cracked the butt of his assault rifle against the back of the guard's head, dropping him to his knees.

Hank reached down and grabbed the guard by the hair. "You've got a choice. We can either do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is you do what I tell you and unlock the eye scanner. You don't want to know what the hard way is. What'll it be?"

The guard, still glaring at Hank, stood up and slowly made his way to the eye scanner. He leaned forward and allowed the laser to scan his eyes. The doors made a cathunk sound as they unlocked. Hank pushed the guard through and then followed behind him. As they walked into the main storage area of the warehouse, Hank was shocked to see thousands of boxes. Row after row after row of crates. Hank looked down into an open crate. It was filled with...

1. Cans of Beans
2. Knives
3. Teddy Bears