Friday, July 31, 2009

Hank Maximum: Crates Full of Teddy Bears

Hank looked down into an open crate. It was filled with teddy bears. Hank looked over at his prisoner. “What’s with all the teddy bears?” he asked. “Are there hand grenades hidden inside the bears? Are they full of drugs?” The guard just stared at Hank defiantly. Hank asked again, “I said what’s in the bears? Is it stolen credit card information? Secret recipes for how to make brand name candy at home?” The guard remained silent. “TELL ME WHAT’S IN THE BEARS!!!” Hank roared.

“The bears, Mr. Maximum,” a voice said from up above, “are filled with stuffing.”

Hank looked up to see a man standing on a cat walk high above the warehouse floor. He was average height and weight and would have looked completely normal if it weren’t for the fact that where his left ear should have been was a terrible scar. Hank recognized him immediately. “Stavich,” he muttered. Hank quickly grabbed the guard and ducked behind a stack of crates in case Stavich started shooting. He found some wire next to a crate and tied up his prisoner. Then he looked back over the crates. Stavich was still standing on the cat walk, looking down. Hank called up to him, “I’m just here for the microchip Stavich. Just hand it over and I’ll recommend you serve reduced jail time.”

Stavich kept talking about the bears, completely ignoring Hank’s offer. “Most teddy bears are filled with rubbish. Simple cotton or wool or some other common material. But not my bears. My bears are filled with only the best 100% pure imported Japanese silk.” Stavich began walking back and forth on the cat walk as he continued speaking. “Their seams are hand stitched by master bear makers using techniques passed down for generations. Not like the mass produced, machine made monstrosities that are sold in your large American department stores.”

Hank was confused. Why does he keep talking about the bears? he wondered. Is he trying to distract me while more of his guards sneak up on me from behind? Hank looked behind him, but there was no sneak attack. Stavich was still yammering overhead about only using imported ivory for the buttons on his teddy bears. Hank had an idea. He reached into an open crate and pulled out a bear. "Hey Stavich!" Hank yelled. Stavich stopped talking and looked down at Hank. Hank hoisted the bear above his head and said, "Hand over the microchip or I'll shoot your precious teddy bear!"

Stavich looked pained for a moment, but quickly composed himself. "As much as I hate to do it," Stavich said, "I can not give you the microchip. I know you will most likely shoot my teddy, but I can not give you what I no longer have."

"What are you talking about?" Hank asked.

"I sold the microchip yesterday," Stavich said. "I did not know the man, only that he had traveled a very long way to come to Prague to buy the microchip. He said he was from..."

1. Japan

2. Scotland

3. Alaska

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