Gods of the Office

If I wasn't a Christian, I'd think that the gods of office productivity were fighting over my sanity. Thandar (head god of efficiency), Glenna (goddess in charge of "sense of accomplishment"), and Rendalus (god in charge of work ethic) would all say, "Let us give him a fair task, one that will occupy his mind at a reasonable level while still allowing him the pleasure of using headphones. Let us also bless him with some magical tools to aid his efforts. He shall wield the mighty Auto-Hot Key with great zeal. He shall be well versed in the use of many programs and softwares. And let us give him a righteous cube in which to toil."

BUT.....

Grogus (evil god of monotony), Slynos (trickster god of error messages), and Venomica (goddess of idiotic coworkers) have also laid claim to my plight. They have said, "While we dare not directly oppose the other gods and revoke his magical tools, let us also give him repetitive work so that he is barely capable of sanity. Let his groove be thrown off by random and unintelligible error messages right when things are flowing smoothly. And let those around him be struck dumb so that the workings of their minds produce lunacy and drivel."

Off Color

Have you ever heard of something being “off color”? What color is “off color” exactly? Because even if a color is slightly off from another color, it’s still a color. I imagine this phrase came into being in the pre-Crayola 64 pack era because now, every color is a color. And sometimes one color can be several colors. Let me explain.

You used to have normal colors: red, green, blue, yellow, etc. Then came the Crayola 64 pack (with built-in crayon sharpener in the back of the box). The C64P (as it’s known in crayon connoisseur circles) changed everything you thought you knew about colors with names like Umber Tan and Burnt Sienna. So what used to be “off color” because it was not quite brown but not quite red now became something else.

Historians agree that the advent of the C64P was the immediate precursor to the modern “color crisis” that we are still suffering from today. Color names no longer have any meaning as the slightest amount of “off color” content is now given a name and called a different color.

This brings me back to my point about every color being a color. Take two thirds green, one twelfth orange, ninety nine six hundred fifty sevenths brown, and one half blue and what does that give you? Whatever you want! Just make something up and now you have a new color! The problem with this (especially for married men whose wives are wanting to paint or repaint a room of the house) is that they are forced to look at and attempt to decide between 47 different “shades of white”. But whether she ends up picking Egg Shell, Snow Flake, Bunny Tail, Cotton Ball, Cloud Shapes, or NHL Player, it’s all still just white!

So, here are some color names for you to think about and try and decide what sort of “off color” they are:

-Shandron

-Bluke

-Nelst

-Whikel

-Yenter

And my personal favorite…

-Jordhakmontragladner

Stop the Presses!

Here's another round of crazy headlines.

Judge Rules High Calorie Breakfast “Free And Clear”
Lizard DNA A Non-Issue

Wisconsin Man Accuses ATM Of Professional Misconduct
City Council Woman Can’t Find Car Keys

New Light On Left Handedness Makes Strange Bedfellows

Paper Cut Victim “It Was A Blessing In Disguise”

Canned Vegetables Play Role In Love Triangle
Smoker Says “I Saw Him Outside The Bank”

Library Books The New Weapon Of Choice For Gangland Violence
Hair Care Scare! Salons See Dramatic Spike In Extension Prices

A Day in the Life of An Infant

Uh oh! My less-than-a-month old daughter signed into my blog and wrote a post! And for some reason, she has a very good vocabulary...

This morning I awoke in a vibrating hammock type chair next to a giant bed and unfortunately found that I had defecated in my undergarment during my sleep. To remedy this situation, I just started shouting to no one in particular, "HEY!!!!!! HEY!!!!!! DOWN HERE!!!! YEAH, I AM SITTING IN MY OWN FECAL MATTER SO I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY TO FIX IT!!!! AND I MEAN NOW!!!!"

This approach worked, as a giant person reached down from the giant bed and plucked me from my chair. At first I was pleased, but then when the giant began to remove my soiled undergarment, I suddenly became very displeased (although I'm not entirely sure why). So, based on my previous successful communication, I said, "I DON'T LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!! I REALLY MEAN IT!!! THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS LESS THAN FUN AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CEASE THIS INSTANT!!!!"

My communication did not work this time as the giant proceeded to clean me in the most degrading way, but at least provided me with a clean undergarment. Then after that, a rubbery object was unceremoniously shoved into my mouth. I would have objected to this as well if I had not immediately found it terribly enjoyable to suck upon.

Theo the Phrase/Wink Man

Have you ever known someone who uses strange phrases to refer to something and you don't know what they're talking about? Well that's Theo. Theo is that guy who uses a phrase and then gives you the "you know what I'm talking about" wink. This is how Theo behaves in various situations.

Scenario 1: At a wedding reception, he's the best man, friends of the bride/groom keep coming up and talking to him

-Guest: Hey Theo! How was the food at the rehearsal dinner?

-Theo: It was great! I was up all night "breaking the jungle" ***wink***

-Guest: looks unsure of what to say Ok, well, that's good...I guess.

Scenario 2: At his car mechanic

-Mechanic: So, what's wrong with your car?

-Theo: Well, it sound like its "been around a nickel farm one to many times" ***wink***

-Mechanic: confused What?

-Theo: You know, the engine, it sounds "all trinkled out" ***wink***

-Mechanic: Um...ok, well, let me take a look at it.

Scenario 3: At the library, complaining to the librarian

-Theo: Miss? There's a man over in non-fiction being all "sticky no no" ***wink***

-Lady: I'm sorry...what?

-Theo: There's a man, over in the non-fiction section, and he keeps "sniffing the rabbit" ***wink***

-Lady: just stares at him

Pick a New Holiday!

Ok everybody, if you could choose one of these new holidays, which one would it be?

1. Enviro Day- Al Gore finally convinces the federal government into giving everyone a day off with pay so that "every person in the country can take a day to clean up their personal environment". The concept is that if everyone cleans their own space, then we can have a huge impact on the "carbon footprint" of the country. The irony is that since Enviro Day is the 1st Friday of every June, most people take the long weekend and either travel, or barbecue, or throw a party and not plant a tree or pick up litter or any of the other stuff the day is designed for and in fact will create more trash and pollution than if the day didn't exist at all.

2. Force Day- After enough people write in "Other: Jedi "as their official religion on the most recent national census, the government makes July 30th Force Day. Everyone gets the day off with pay and wears traditional Jedi/Sith robes (the makers of the Snuggie get involved and make a super comfortable Jedi blanket/robe) and talk like Yoda and watch Star Wars.

3. Recovery Day- American companies, realizing that efficiency and attendance are way, way down the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday, lobby the government just to make it a national holiday for tax reasons. Everyone gets that Monday off with pay to recover from their big party the night before. And if you live in the city of the winning team you get an extra paid day off (whether you follow football or not). Also, if you can get notarized proof that you have been a fan of the winning team for at least 5 years, but just don't live in that city, you can also get a 2nd paid day off.

4. Samtsirhc- This is reverse Christmas. It happens when Christmas is exactly 6 months away and everything is 100% opposite from Christmas. Instead of bringing a tree into your house, you take a piece of furniture out on your lawn, but don't decorate it. You have to be mean to others if you want any gifts. And you don't buy presents for other people, you buy them for yourself. The folk lore is that a very skinny beardless black woman, wearing an all blue jumpsuit, pulls a sleigh full of reindeer around the world, but not through the air, she pulls the sleigh underwater. Then she comes up through your drains and takes junk you leave by your bathtub away with her. Everyone gets the day off with pay. You are not allowed to go to any family member's house.

Deal or No Deal is Stupid (There, I Said It)

Has anybody noticed that you must be a lunatic to appear on modern TV game shows? TV game show contestants used to need skill or smarts or even just plain dumb luck to win cash and prizes, but that's not enough anymore. Now you have to be an over the top, crazy eyed, mega vocal, nervous tick having, catch phrase slingin', fist pumpin', ridiculous outfit wearin' idiot if you want a chance to be a TV game show contestant. And if you're a female contestant, it is a prerequisite to scream like you've been stuck with a cattle prod.

Shows like Deal or No Deal and others like it (but mostly Deal or No Deal, I hate that show) have made insanity the norm and in so doing have alienated the average home viewer who is not a certifiable mad man. Here is the average commentary from a Deal or No Deal contestant.

When asked their name: "I'm Trish from Alabama and I'm here to slamma jamma! Whoooooo!"

When asked what they would do with their money: "I'm gonna buy me a house and fill it up with collectible ceramic poodles! Whoooooo!"

Repeated at least 17 times throughout the show (hands pressed together under her nose, in a nervous whisper): "Gotta slamma jamma Trish! Gotta slamma jamma!"

When asked about their outfit: "This is from my cousin's clothing line, Tren-Day Stylez! It's retro meets modern meets outer space. Whoooooo!"

I mean honestly, can you see this person on Jeapordy?

Alex Trebek: The clue for Get Red-y for $400 is "In 1987, this fresh breath chewable burst onto the scene". Trish?

Trish: Slamma Jamma! Whoooooo!

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry that's not correct.

Trish: Oh, sorry! I mean, What is Slamma Jamma! Whoooooo!

Alex Trebek: No, I mean the answer is What is Big Red.

Chips

Has anybody else noticed how out of hand chip flavors have gotten recently? There are more options for chip flavors than there are for…well, something that there’s a bunch of options for. Remember when there used to be just a hand full of flavors? You had Original/Plain, Bar-B-Q, Sour Cream and Onion, Nacho Cheese, and Ranch and that was pretty much it.

Now, every brand has to have 37 different flavor variants of their chips. You still got your old reliable flavors, but you’ve also got all the new kids on the block flavors. And the new flavors aren’t just called what they taste like. No, they’ve all got to have some fancy catchy trademarked name too.

And then there’s the trend of trying to make the chips taste like actual prepared foods rather than just seasoned chips. Things like Loaded Backed Potato and Cheese Burger flavored chips. In my opinion, these flavors are an abomination and should be blotted out from the face of the earth. Also, I don’t think they taste very good either.

I’ve also noticed that some companies that didn’t used to be in the chips game are starting to try and break into it. Lays, Ruffles, Frito-Lay, Pringles, and generic brands are being moved in on by companies like Ritz and Cheese Itz. Pretty soon, I bet you’ll be able to find Michelin tire brand chips on the shelves.

You would think that all the variety we’ve already mentioned would be the end of it, but you’d be wrong. You also have to consider all the different ways of cooking the chips. You’ve got regular style, kettle cooked, baked and probably more techniques that I can’t even think of. Plus, you’ve got the fat free option, lite option, and regular tons-o-fat option.

So let’s do the actual math on this using this totally legitimate equation: B(FxMxFC) = LCO In this equation, B = Brand, F = Flavor, M = Method of Cooking, FC = Fat Content, and LCO = Level of Choice Overload.

These days, I wouldn’t be surprised to find any of the following at the grocery store:

Spicy Mouth Kickin’ Ranch-B-Q Pringles®

Smooth Cheddar Chili Bacon Explosion Doritos®

Lays® Honey Smoked Ham with Mama’s Gravy Kettle Cooked Chips

Ruffles® Short Stack Pancake Batter Natural Cut Chips

Deep Fried Cajun Coconut Shrimp Fritos®

Ritz® Fat Free Home Style Ribs Chips

Ruffles® Velveeta® Jalapeño Lip Smackers

Nintendo® Xtreme Crunch Fried Chicken Stackerz Kettle Cooked Chips- for use with Wii Crunch Lunch game

Say What?

I would like to thank my buddy, the King of Nicknames, for his suggestion for this post. I won't say his real name, but if any of you know Skeet, Skeeter P, Hoops, the One Under Wonder, the Crazy Train, or D, you know who to thank for this post.

I like to think that I have a pretty good grasp of the English language. And part of that grasp includes being up on the latest and greatest in hip phrases and buzz words. However, one new word has me stumped. That word is "redonckulous" (pronounced re-DONCK-u-lous). I had to do some research to find out more about this word.

From English class at A. C. Reyonlds High School, I know that the "re-" prefix means to do something again (as in rerun). So, we can infer that "redonckulous" means that something is "donckulous" for at least the 2nd time. This begs the question, "How does one donckulous in the first place?" I'm glad you asked.

Donckulous is derived from it's root word "donck", an Irish word meaning "to express". Over the years, mostly due to the constant changing in the British Isles, the word came to mean "to express one's admiration." Therefore, if one were to repeatedly express how great they thought something was they would be re-doncking.

It wasn't until the Industrial Revolution brought thousands of rural farmers into the cities that the word was merged with the word "fabulous" and the term "redonckulous" was born. Thaddeus Morganroth, who most historians consider the father of the modern sweat shop, made the term famous when he told Queen Mary the 45th or something, "Your Majesty, I feel that you will find the stitch work on my new line of petticoats most redonckulous."

Kid Gloves

Now that I have a kid, I find myself thinking along the lines of kid type stuff. Diapers, burping, etc. One of the things that struck me recently was the expression "take off the kid gloves".

This phrase is very disturbing to me. Mostly the part about "kid gloves". To me, this can only have a certain number of possible meanings, none of which are good.

Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of children
Kid Gloves- Gloves made out of the skin of baby goats
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch children
Kid Gloves- Gloves specifically used to punch baby goats

I suppose "kid gloves" could also mean to jokingly tease a pair of gloves, but frankly, that's just too far fetched to even consider. So, before you use the expression "take off the kid gloves", take a minute to consider that the phrase has extremely barbaric origins and should not be used lightly.

Personally, the least disturbing meaning is a pair of gloves specifically used to punch baby goats. But as to why anyone would have enough cause to punch baby goats so much that they would create gloves specifically for that purpose is beyond me.

Extra Extra

You know how newspaper headlines have the big headline and then a smaller follow up headline right underneath it? Well, if more headlines read like these, I think newspapers would make a comeback.

Pope Speaks on Chicken Soup Fiasco
Police Say He Should Mind His Own Business

Autograph Seeker Gets More Than She Bargained For
Midnight Marshmallow Fight To Blame

Three Fingered Man Can’t Give Thumbs Up To Mayor
Wall Street Experts Predict Sticky Situation

Fisherman Refuses To Back Down
Mother-In-Law Has Her Own Opinion

Grateful Retailer Slashes Prices For Local Dentist
State Fair to Hold Psychic Pig Beauty Contest

Why So Glum?

Ivan's Impression

I hang out with these dudes. They're all from the former Soviet Union. They defected to the US during the Cold War but now they're just doing normal stuff: x-ray tech, contractor, regional car wash chain owner, you know, normal stuff.

But when we all hang out, they are just crazy. They get to talking about the old times and before you know it, Ivan is doing his Katie Couric impression.

He's all, "I'm Katie Couric! I report the news! I'm a lady!"

It's great. You should really hear him do it though cause it's better than me just telling you about it.

We Have Our Blogfan Challenge Winner!

Congratulations to Kelly H. from North Carolina!

She figured out the clues and won a year's subscription of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

For those of you who are curious, the clues led to another blog at fatclowns.blogspot.com.

When highlighted and deciphered, the answer to the last clue was of "traffic lights."

So congratulations again to Kelly! And for those of you who were only visiting the blogs for a chance at the prize, I'm sorry that you'll have to settle for just regular blog posts now.

Again, sorry that I haven't been blogging lately, but my first little baby girl was born this past Monday, 10/19, at 1:25 in the afternoon, so I've been a bit busy.

$0,000 Blogfan Challenge Update

Hey all you readers out there!

Here's an update on the $0,000 Blogfan Challenge. We posted a while back that the color coded clue, when found and unscrambled, came out to:

Clue 1- All words found and unscrambled
"It's another one of what you've been reading..."

Clue 2- All words found and unscrambled
"Circus men who eat too much. Big pants, large shoes and lots of blush."

As no one has won the magazine subscription yet, here's a little more help.

The answer to Clue 1 is: a blog
The answer to Clue 2 is: fat clowns

So, go on over to http://fatclowns.blogspot.com, take on the final piece of the puzzle, and win that magazine subscription! Good luck!

Snap Back

DMT Faithful,
First I'd like to apologize for not having posts the past few days. Just as an FYI, we at the DMT are expecting our first baby (and by "we" I mean my wife and by "our first baby" I mean our first baby). Anyway, the due date is Oct 9th and things have been a little hectic lately. So, the DMT may be a bit sporadic in the coming months. But fear not, the DMT will continue to bring the funny, but with a bit less regularity than before. Thanks for your support.

Ever hear a phrase and have that wicked inner voice snap a quick comeback that you secretly wish you could say out loud? Here's a few of mine. Enjoy.

Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.
Nuh uh! Get your own friends loser.

A chain is as only as strong as it's weakest link.
A chain is as only as strong as whatever it's made out of. Nice try paper chain.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Only if didn't pay attention all through medical school.

Long in the tooth.
Um, what?

$0,000 Blogfan Challenge Update

For everybody who has been following the clues of the $0,000 Blogfan Challenge and has been a little frustrated, here's a little help.

Clue 1- All words found and unscrambled
"It's another one of what you've been reading..."

Clue 2- All words found and unscrambled
"Circus men who eat too much. Big pants, large shoes and lots of blush."

Solving these clues will point you in the direction of the next step of the challenge. This might help you get a little closer to winning that magazine subscription!

Good luck!

Read the Riot Act

Have you ever heard about someone having someone else "read them the riot act"? From what I understand, this usually occurs during a heated exchange of words or verbal fight. It seems like a strange time to start reading legislation to someone. I mean, think about the last time you were having an argument with someone. Would it have helped you (or the other person for that matter) if one of you had, right in the middle of the yelling and screaming, all of a sudden whipped out the 1973 Endangered Species Act and started reading it?

You: Well you said that you would take care of it but when I came home there it was, still all over the floor!

Them: Don't judge me! I've had a really stressful week ok? Steve from Accounting took my parking spot EVERY SINGLE DAY this week and that has got me a little wound up!

You: So now it's MY fault that this Steve guy stole your parking spot? Don't take that out on me!

Them: It's just that I always try to tell you about my day and you always act like my problems are just so trivial! Well you're the one who's trivial!

You: Oh yeah? Well, according the Endangered Species Act of 1973

SEC. 2.16 U.S.C. 1531(a) FINDINGS.—The Congress finds
and declares that—
(1) various species of fish, wildlife, and plants in the
United States have been rendered extinct as a consequence of
economic growth and development untempered by adequate
concern and conservation;
(2) other species of fish, wildlife, and plants have been so
depleted in numbers that they are in danger of or threatened
with extinction;
(3) these species of fish, wildlife, and plants are of aesthetic,
ecological, educational, historical, recreational, and scientific
value to the Nation and its people;
Sec. 3 ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT OF 1973 222
(4) the United States has pledged itself as a sovereign
state in the international community to conserve to the extent
practicable the various species of fish or wildlife and plants
facing extinction, pursuant to—
(A) migratory bird treaties with Canada and Mexico;
(B) the Migratory and Endangered Bird Treaty with
Japan;
(C) the Convention on Nature Protection and Wildlife
Preservation in the Western Hemisphere;
(D) the International Convention for the Northwest
Atlantic Fisheries;
(E) the International Convention for the High Seas
Fisheries of the North Pacific Ocean;
(F) the Convention on International Trade in Endangered
Species of Wild Fauna and Flora; and
(G) other international agreements; and
(5) encouraging the States and other interested parties,
through Federal financial assistance and a system of incentives,
to develop and maintain conservation programs which
meet national and international standards is a key to meeting
the Nation’s international commitments and to better safeguarding,
for the benefit of all citizens, the Nation’s heritage
in fish, wildlife, and plants.

Them: ........WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?

For Pete's Sake!

People must really love Pete. And Pete must champion a lot of causes. It's the only thing that makes sense because people are always telling people to do something for Pete's sake. Here are some instances in which people invoke Pete's name and the causes that he must support for the sentences to make sense.

"Just take out the trash for Pete's sake!"
Pete volunteers at the Coalition for Timely Waste Removal

"I wish you would quit calling me! For Pete's sake!"
Pete supports the Amicable Break Up League

"My car got broken into again? For Pete's sake!"
Pete sends annual donations to the RCBRA (Repeat Car Burglary Relief Association)

"Slowly place the gun on the ground and kick it over to me. Now turn around and put your hands behind your head. JUST DO IT YOU CRAZY CHIMP! FOR PETE'S SAKE!"
Pete helped to found the Wichita branch of MSHNoA (Monkey Standoff Hostage Negotiators of America)

3 Hours of Turning Left

If you hate NASCAR, does that make you a race-ist?